|A House Divided|
|Season 7, episode 24|
|Air date||May 17, 1994|
|Writer(s)|| Teleplay by: Tom Burkhard, Adam Lapidus & Carolyn Omine |
Story by: Dennis Rinsler & Marc Warren
|Previous||Too Little Richard Too Late|
|Next||Comet's Excellent Adventure|
Jesse and the twins are playing with their new outdoor play set indoors, when Becky comes in. He explains to her that the reason for this is that Danny reseeded the grass outside, and he is about to go blame Danny, one-on-one, when Becky tells him that Danny is waxing the hallway floor, which makes things worse. When the twins ask Jesse to slide on the slide, he does not want to, and they give him "The Lip" (apparently borrowed from Michelle), so he helps them go down the slide.
When the family starts complaining that there is not enough room in the house for nine people, they consider finding other places to live. The problems are various, ranging from Joey being in the bathroom for almost to a little over an hour (despite reserving it for exactly that long) and an irritated D.J. wanting to take a bath since she's got a date tonight, to Michelle annoying Stephanie with playing "Down in the Valley" on her harmonica when Stephanie needs to study—and thus leading Stephanie to snatch it out of her hand, and ask her to go practice "down in the basement" (a.k.a. Jesse's studio). As she snatches it right back, her current roommate even adds that her name above her bed indicates that the room is also hers (as the camera cuts from a close-up shot of her face to a wide shot of her side of the room, with her name above her bed as implied), despite Stephanie having had it since day one, when she shared it with D.J., her former roommate.
Stephanie also points out that she has had to put up with the "Harmonica Girl" for three whole days, and is not about to make it four, so she storms out of the room with the harmonica in hand, forcing her roommate to give chase and demand it back, only to be refused and denied. This leads to a fight between the "Harmonica Stealer" (Stephanie) and the "Music Murderer" (Michelle) that quickly gets broken up by D.J., who tells her younger sisters that Danny does not want to hear their "petty problems". She then tells Danny that she is not going to have enough time to dry her hair so long as Joey is still in there.
So Danny goes into the bathroom, telling Joey that he loves Italian food in the bathroom "as much as the next guy", but he thinks that Joey has been in there long enough, even though Joey may think otherwise. But Joey states that he shares a bathroom with three girls and there is always someone in there blow-drying, moisturizing, or even tweezing. All he wants is an hour of peace and quiet so he can gather his thoughts. Danny realizes he's right, and that every man deserves a chance to sit back and reflect on the deeper meanings of life.
If that's not bad enough, Joey is delivered a pizza, thus allowing him to literally eat his dinner in the bathroom! After the pizza man leaves (his appearance eliciting applause from the studio audience), Danny warns him not to even think of dropping a pepperoni slice in the bathwater or tub, and Joey is very considerate and careful of that. But that does not stop him from playing a game of "bath hockey" with a rubber duck and a rubber shark (see Trivia below), and even adding in the Charge (fanfare) tune for good measure.
Then, amidst the girls fighting outside, Jesse comes in and says that Danny needs to show a little consideration for some of the other people living in the house. And speaking of which, for starters, Joey says that Jesse could do that by knocking on the door when someone's in the tub, like him! And Jesse just asks the "bubble boy" to just focus on eating his pizza.
In any event, Jesse says that Danny does everything without consulting him first: closing the backyard, waxing the floor, rearranging the cupboard, defrosting the fridge, and even Scotchguarding his old high school yearbook. He asks if Danny sees a pattern developing, and Danny does...except there is another pattern developing, and it's that Jesse complains too much. What he does not know is that Jesse's small complaints have turned into one large one.
Suddenly, the doorbell rings and Danny remarks, "That better not be the falafel guy." In any event, everyone heads downstairs complaining. But as soon as he calms everyone down and opens the door, there's nobody there! The complaining starts up again, and after Danny quiets everybody, he decides to hold a family meeting after dinner. Then Joey comes downstairs, squeaky clean as ever. This leads to more mayhem as the girls rush upstairs to see who'll get to use the bathroom first (and D.J. wants to make good on her date plans by going first), but suddenly, Joey realizes he left his garlic bread in there! So he rushes back to get it.
Then millionaire industrialist Lou Bond shows up, wanting to buy the house from Danny, because Mr. Bond used to live in the house before the Tanners moved in years ago, and it is the house that Mr. Bond grew up in. Michelle is the only one who is against the idea of selling the house and moving out of it, so she tries everything to stop the sale from happening.
Kimmy also shows up, drinking out of the milk carton. As she's drinking, she remarks that Danny's running low on "moo juice" (the slang term for milk), and he remarks that he's running low on patience. Suddenly, she realizes that "oh, this stuff's gone chunky!", as that means that the milk is spoiled (which elicits an "Eww!" from the audience). And Danny remarks, "And it's yours as a lovely parting gift! Kimmy Gibbler, go on home!" (in a generic game show announcer voice), and he gladly shows her the door.
As Danny shows Bond around, Jesse and Becky are in their room, with her trying to stop him from going forward with the complaints. And with the boys sleeping, they get to use the slide (which elicits a "WHOO!" from the audience). They fight over who gets to go first, and Jesse ultimately wins. But when he goes down, it elicits a squeak that hurts his ears.
Then Danny shows up, hoping he and Bond haven't interrupted anything interesting. Becky and Jesse shake hands with him and introduce themselves to him. They also mention him living in the house before they moved in, and Bond takes it a step further, saying he carved his initials in the beam..."B.L.B." (though it's not revealed what the first "B" stood for). The fight for the slide continues after Danny and Bond leave.
Later that night, after dinner, Danny calls a family meeting as planned. The reason is simple enough: They've all been getting on each other's nerves, "which is bound to happen when so many nerves live so close together."
After a small fight between everyone, Stephanie and Michelle fight over what to do with each other, with Michelle suggesting that they send Stephanie to a "Be a Nicer Sister camp", and Stephanie suggesting they send Michelle to "Harmonica camp" so she can study in peace without the annoying harmonica. After he tells the two roommates to make up, Jesse, making good on his promises and despite Becky urging him to reconsider, lodges a ton of small complaints into a large one. He explains that on March 4, 1989, Danny waxes the banister without his permission or anyone else's (for that matter), and because Danny did that, Jesse slid down the banister on his way to an interview, and thus was nicknamed "skunk pants". While Danny insists that he still has the floor, Jesse says "if you have the floor, and you're going to wax it, tell us."
With that out of the way, Danny has the floor again, and his point regards the house sale. While D.J. says that there's enough people living in the house already and Joey says that Bond is sharing their bathroom, Danny clarifies that Bond doesn't want to live with them, he wants to buy the house from them. The thing is, Bond's offer for the house is double its current value, thus allowing the family to buy a bigger house in the same neighborhood where no one's going to drive each other nuts.
D.J. realizes she can have her own bathroom, Stephanie can have her own bedroom, Jesse says that he and Becky can have their own kitchen, living room, backyard, etc. when Becky stops him and reminds him, "Honey, it's called a house." She then says that it is not a bad idea, as the boys could use some more "growing space", as "they're not getting any shorter." Jesse agrees with that, as they've been talking about moving into their own house someday, and maybe that "someday" is now. Joey also agrees that it is time for him to move into his own place, as he says that he is "a grown man", and he needs more shelf space for his "toys".
Danny then realizes that this is the first family meeting where everyone agrees on something for a change, and says that the decision is final—they are all moving out and into their own places! And while everyone is happy with the fact they can have their own thing, from their own bathroom to their own bedroom, they forget about the thing that keeps them together: The fact that they are a family. As they all express happiness about having their own things, the camera pans from left to right, to a very unhappy and depressed Michelle.
The next day, everyone looks at various housing options, and even Steve comes by to help. He chats with Joey about buying a condo from his mom's real estate office and Steve himself getting half the commission, plus a yellow jacket (no, not the insect). What Joey does not know is that the condo is in a nudist colony—which may or may not perk his interest. On another note, Jesse and Becky find a house on Linwood Street complete with a hot tub—which they define for the boys as "an outdoor bathtub with no soap". When Michelle walks by, they tell her that, when they move in, there will be a hot tub party, and she is invited.
Upstairs, D.J. and Stephanie talk about what will happen when Stephanie gets her own room, and Stephanie says that she will put her bed by the window, the dresser by the door, and Michelle down the hall so Stephanie herself can study in peace (as noted above). The latter just sarcastically says "Ha ha ha", and is told by D.J. that when the two former roommates move out, she can have her own room again.
And speaking of whom, Michelle is entertaining her friends Denise and Teddy with her harmonica, when Stephanie and D.J. come in and warn her about the upcoming inspection. After they all learn what happens during an inspection and what it is, as well as what "infestation" and "vermin" is, the three of them (literally) put their heads together to come up with a plan to stop the sale.
Their first plan involves the Yellow Pages and a phone call to "buy" some vermin, but it fails. Michelle's words put it best: "They don't sell vermin; they kill them." So they put their heads together to come up with another plan, Teddy saying not to do the head bump again.
From Teddy squirting Bond with a water gun for the "leaky roof", to Comet and his friends showing up in her room, and slanting D.J.'s room for the "broken foundation", Michelle's new plan seems to be coming to fruition.
Suddenly, everyone else comes home from their various housing explorations, as well as having gone out to eat during the inspection. With the help of her friends, and even Comet's friends (the "vermin" and "infestation"), Michelle succeeds in stopping the sale. Coincidentally, at the same time that the dogs leave, Joey puts a doggy bag on the dining table—with the smallest one snagging the bag on the way out, and Jesse commenting it was Comet's "poker night".
Thanks to Michelle, and "The Lip" (her pout), everyone realizes that the house they are in has been a part of the family for years. Everyone reminisces about their own memories in the house (as the inspirational music plays). And they realize one thing: It is more than just walls, ceiling, and a roof—it is their lives, where they have had so many good times together.
D.J. remembers the first time they moved in with Pam, the house was as big as a castle. Stephanie says since she was too small to reach the counter, she couldn't reach the cookie jar, so Joey had to help her. Joey says that he was not going to leave his fingerprints on the jar's lid. Jesse says that when he moved in with Danny and Joey to help raise the girls for a few months, he did not realize that those few months would turn into seven years, including raising his own family. He realizes it was the best move he ever made and the right move, too. Becky decides to wait on the hot tub, as they have had a lot of love, laughs, and babysitters.
With this to think about, Danny changes his mind and decides to not sell the house (eliciting applause from the audience, just as the music stops). And to make things better for Michelle, he takes back his promise to ground her "for life". He now understands why she was depressed; as indeed, everyone was talking about wanting their own thing, from their own bedrooms to their own bathrooms, from hot tubs to telephones in the bathroom. She points out the things that were discussed in the family meeting, including the main thing: that nobody cared that they were going to live in the house anymore and that they would all break up if they all moved out of the house (all of which elicit groans from the audience).
Danny tells her that they do care, and they were just trying to make things a little better, but Michelle says that everything already is better. She even adds that it is the best house she has ever lived in, to which D.J. remarks it is the only house she has ever lived in. So everyone decides to hold off on wanting their own thing in their own house, maybe just a little longer, as each of them has a little something they want in their current house, for the time being; because, as an old proverb suggests (and it's a lesson they've all learned growing up): "You can't always get what you want."
After the happy moments, Kimmy shows up again, asking whether her sneakers or her clogs stinks more. The family, of course, knows that both stink equally, as they run away, holding or even waving their noses to get the odors out. Bond says that the sneakers stink more, but either way, even that is enough to scare him into not selling. D.J., happy to see her, says that the family is staying. And Stephanie adds that the shoes are leaving, as she throws them out—which then causes the rest of the dogs to clear the yard.
What they do not know is that Comet ran off with his friends after they saw the doggy bag and the stinky shoes, and when Denise notices this, she takes him back home, telling him, "Comet, you live here!", and the episode ends with the family reuniting not only with each other, but their four-legged best friend, too, and all's well that ends well.
Michelle reminds everyone (as Jeff Franklin's EP credit appears), "We all live here." A split-second later, everyone hugs each other and pets Comet (as Thomas L. Miller and Robert L. Boyett's EP credits appear and the audience applauds).
Danny: Wait a minute. Lou Bond? Of the Bond Foundation? Bond Plaza? The Bond Trade Towers?
Lou Bond: Ah, the Bond Trade Towers was my father. And, this was our house before daddy hit it big. I lived here the first 12 years of my life. Lots of marvelous memories.
Danny: Michelle, if you were this upset about moving, why didn't you say something?
Michelle: You were all going crazy. Everyone was talking about hot tubs and telephones in the bathroom. Nobody cared that we're not gonna be living together anymore.
Lou Bond: [with a Transatlantic accent] You again. Who arrre you?
Kimmy Gibbler: [imitating his accent] The next-door neigh-barrr.
- The last appearance of Steve Hale as a main character (though he makes an appearance toward the end of the series finale)
- This was considered to be the series finale, but they decided to renew with season eight
- The second episode to feature Michelle's pout ("The Lip"); the first being "Stephanie Gets Framed" where after she is too late to buy from the ice cream truck and D.J. suggests she save up her piggy bank money for other things, and treat herself to some Fudgsicles from the freezer
- A plot line very similar to this one was used for the series finale of the popular sitcom Step by Step (also produced by Miller-Boyett Productions, in association with Lorimar Television/Warner Bros. Television, and distributed by Warner Bros. Domestic Television Distribution)
- Joey's "bath hockey" with a rubber duck and rubber shark is an homage to a popular NHL rivalry between the Anaheim Ducks and the San Jose Sharks (in fact, around the time this season began, this was the Ducks' first season in the NHL)
- Goof: In Stephanie and Michelle's fight for Michelle's harmonica, when Michelle asks Stephanie to give her harmonica back, the harmonica is in Stephanie's right hand. But when the fight actually starts, it's in her left hand.