|Crimes and Michelle's Demeanor|
|Season 4, episode 2|
|Air date||September 28, 1990|
|Writer(s)||Scott Spencer Gordon|
|Next||The I.Q. Man|
Though three-year-old Michelle has been more mischievous than usual the last few days, she can always count upon her status as "Daddy's Little Princess" to get away with her various misdeeds, and thus, shift the blame to D.J. and Stephanie.
For example, as D.J., Stephanie and Kimmy each bet using food to determine what will happen on the music video awards show, Michelle encourages the girls to have a pillow fight with her, and a window in her sisters' room ends up getting broken. Danny punishes D.J. and Stephanie for it, but he fails to punish Michelle, who started the whole thing (see Quotes). Despite him agreeing with Jesse and Joey's advice that he set limits for Michelle, he is reluctant.
Meanwhile, Jesse does a little shopping for an engagement ring from a delivery business instead of a store, giving Becky a chance to try the ring on in front of him, just so it's to her liking.
From lectures about how important sleep is, to a bedtime story and song, nothing can get Michelle to go to sleep.
Danny is having a hard time accepting that Michelle is old enough to be punished because he finds it hard to accept that his last baby is growing up. D.J. and Stephanie are outside raking leaves as part of their punishment, and when they see her stomping around in the piles they just raked up, they make her finish what they started. But the problems don't stop there.
All three then tell her that it is too cold to swim outside, so she drags her wading pool inside. She also drags the hose into the kitchen, uses it to fill her pool, and even brings in her pool toys.
Elsewhere, Jesse buys an expensive engagement ring for Becky, who tries to stop him from selling his Elvis Presley-signed guitar in order to pay for the ring. She isn't happy with his decision to sell the guitar because it was a present from her. And if he isn't going to accept her gift, then she isn't going to accept his gift. He then realizes just how bad it would be to part ways with her gift.
Coming in from their raking, D.J. and Stephanie spot Michelle in the kitchen with her wading pool and toys and see that she is having fun. Both girls realize they have to put a stop to this now – and fast. They realize that there's no way they can be held liable this time. With their little sister officially "trapped", they yell for Danny to hurry up and come into the kitchen ASAP. And because of that, they open his eyes to the situation, but only after he accidentally steps into the pool and gets his shoe wet. He tries to blame them again, but they say it's not their fault this time and also explain the obvious (see Quotes). He asks the older girls why they did not stop her when they had the chance, and they give the obvious reason that he lets her do whatever she wants, and of course, Michelle again stresses her status of "Daddy's Little Princess". The other girls think that she is off the hook again, but he says that she is not off the hook this time. He realizes that him letting Michelle get away scot-free is indeed all his fault after all.
It's this moment in which they give him the courage to give Michelle her first punishment and finally revoke her "Get Out of Jail Free" card (see Quotes).
After dismissing the older girls, Danny dries off Michelle from her pool party, lectures her, and then takes her upstairs for her punishment while she's still wrapped up in her towel and he's still soaked in his shoe (see Quotes).
And said punishment results in her sitting in her room looking at the wall, as she sings about how boring and "no fun" it is (see Quotes). When Danny comes in, they have a talk about how she has to follow the rules from now on. He puts her to bed as she accepts her fate, and when asked, he says that she will always be his "little princess".
[In the opening teaser: Jesse shows Stephanie the renovations he had done to what was her room.]
Jesse: You see that? I did the whole room in retro-hip. You got your Rat Pack over here (near his jukebox), your Elvis motif there, and a brand new hair accouterments center here. I hope you're not too disappointed, but I had to take down your pink bunny wallpaper.
Stephanie: It's about time.
Jesse: Steph, I've been living with those stupid pink bunnies for three years. Why didn't you say something sooner?
Stephanie: You didn't ask [a variation of her "Nobody asked me" from the early years].
[Then, Michelle enters and is shocked by the new look.]
Michelle: Hey, where are the bunnies?
Jesse: The bunnies went bye-bye.
Michelle: But I love the bunnies [giving him a sad face].
Jesse: Well, it's a good thing I happened to save one very special, important bunny for you, and I framed him, and here he is [hanging it up on the (from-now-on) rabbitless wall].
Michelle: Now this room is cool [with 2 thumbs up]!
Jesse: [hugging her] Cool! Cool, baby!
[The girls enter D.J. and Stephanie's room with junk food a-plenty.]
Kimmy: You know, girls, every year we watch the Music Video Awards and stuff our faces with junk food. This year, let's make it interesting.
Stephanie: Every year you make something interesting, we get in trouble.
Kimmy: I'll bet you... five marshmallows at least one guy from Guns N' Roses falls off the stage.
D.J.: Four cookies say that they don't even find the stage.
[Then Michelle enters and has a much better idea...]
Michelle: Let's play pillow fight! [And she whacks Stephanie with her pillow.]
D.J.: Good one, Michelle.
Stephanie: Yeah, that was real funny, Deej. [And she takes Michelle's pillow and whacks D.J. with it, causing their popcorn bowl to spill and D.J. to be shocked.]
Michelle: Pillow fight! [Kimmy uses Stephanie's pillow, D.J. uses her pillow, and the girls keep on whacking each other. But when D.J. tries to hit Kimmy over the head, the pillow slips from her grip and ends up hitting the coat rack, which tips over, breaking a window pane. Michelle wags her finger at them...] You're in big trouble, misters!
Danny: Michelle, did you start a pillow fight?
Michelle: Yes, I did.
Danny: Michelle, that was wrong. [to Stephanie and D.J.] You girls are in big trouble.
D.J.: Why are we in trouble?
Danny: Because she's just a little girl. You're supposed to set an example.
D.J.: We did. We set an example of how destructive pillow fights can be.
Danny: Nice try. Now, according to the 'Official Dads Handbook', the punishment for furniture through a window is raking the yard to pay for it and no Music Video Awards.
Joey: [To Danny about Jesse] He's gonna sell his Elvis guitar to pay for Becky's ring.
Danny: He is? [They both go into Jesse's room.] Jess, how can you sell your Elvis guitar? It's your baby.
Jesse: It's really not that special. [He uses his car key remote to unlock the 'trunk' (complete with 'chirp'), and then opens it up.] It's a personally autographed, one-of-a-kind national treasure that 'the King' used to serenade a bunch of hillbillies in the back of a chicken truck from Kissin' Cousins.
[Then, the 'Little Princess/Munchkin' enters.]
Michelle: I'm baaaack.
Danny: Well then, you'd better get baaaack in bed.
Michelle: [crossing her arms] No way, José!
Danny: Guys, I think something's bothering Michelle. She's never called me 'José' before. Something bothering you, Princess?
Michelle: [happily] I wanna play!
Jesse: Deeply troubled child. Excuse us one second, your Majesty. Why don't you go wait in your little room and we'll see you in a little bit. Thank you. [He sends her out and closes the door, as something crosses his mind.] You wanna know what Michelle's problem is? We treat her like she's the queen of 3-year-olds.
Joey: Well, she is. She's adorable. And don't tell me you don't melt when she gives you those two thumbs up and says [imitating Michelle], 'You got it dude!' [well, just one thumb].
Jesse: I'm telling you guys, she's testing us. I was reading "Modern Mom" magazine the other day, and...
Joey: You read "Modern Mom magazine"? [He starts cracking up and laughing on Danny's shoulder.]
Jesse: Well, I was in the beauty parlor with Becky and I needed something to read, and this other lady got the new Cosmo, so... what do you care? My point is, it says that kids Michelle's age are gonna test your limits. So that's when you gotta get tough, set limits, and stick to 'em.
Danny: You know what? You're right. We gotta lay down the law and show her who's boss.
[The older girls attempt to watch Kimmy's TV through their windows, using binoculars.]
D.J.: [on the phone] Good, the video awards are starting. Now, Kimmy, move the TV a little over to the left. Keep going... there. That's perfect.
Michelle: [enters the room] Who wants to play?
Stephanie: We can't play. We're grounded, thank you very much.
Michelle: You're welcome very much.
Danny: Michelle... [enters the room] Oh, there you are. D.J., what are you looking at?
D.J.: Oh, just the stars.
Danny: Really? [looks through the binoculars] Oh, I see stars, all right. M.C. Hammer, Billy Idol... Oh, hi, Mr. Gibbler! I think he's yelling something at me.
D.J.: He said, get a new hobby or he's calling the police.
Danny: That's it. I want both you girls in bed right now.
D.J.: What?! Michelle's not even in bed yet.
Danny: Don't you worry about Michelle. Just get a good night's sleep. You got a full day of raking leaves ahead of you. [He takes Michelle with him.] All right, come on, little princess.
D.J.: What is happening here? All of a sudden, Michelle is Cinderella and we're the ugly step-sisters?
Stephanie: Who are you calling 'ugly'?!
[As D.J. and Stephanie rake, Michelle comes by and sees the piles of...]
[She immediately starts stomping on them.]
D.J.: Michelle! Cut it out! [But Michelle is too busy stomping around to listen...] That's it! You wreck 'em, you rake 'em.
[She gives the rake to Michelle, at which point Danny comes out and see what's going on.]
Danny: Girls, I can't believe you're making Michelle do your punishment.
Stephanie: But Dad, she ran---
D.J.: Steph, save your energy. You'll need it to rake.
[Suddenly, Michelle stands in her wading pool.]
Michelle: Daddy, I wanna go swimming.
Danny: No, Michelle. It's too cold outside. No swimming. [to the older girls] But it's a beautiful day for raking leaves.
[He gives the rake back to Stephanie and then exits.]
Stephanie: Let's get this over with.
[Suddenly, Michelle drags her wading pool towards the house, and the raking girls quickly notice this.]
D.J.: Michelle, what are you doing?
Michelle: Going swimming.
Stephanie: But Dad said "No".
Michelle: Well I said "Yes".
D.J.: But it's too cold outside.
Michelle: Well, I'm swimming inside. [Her sisters look at each other with confused looks.]
Jesse: Get out, liver boy.
Joey: Alright, 'Liverace'.
Jesse: Becky, I can't take the guitar back. It just doesn't feel right.
Becky: OK, how does this feel? [She squeezes his hand really hard.]
Jesse: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Alright, I take it back, I take it back!
[Michelle is in her pool in the kitchen, playing with her toy boat and her inflatable pool toys. Her sisters come in from raking, and bust her on the spot.]
Stephanie: [to D.J.] We got her now. [loudly] Dad, get in here!
D.J.: Hurry up!
[And right on cue...]
Danny: Girls, what's going on--[He steps into the pool.]
Michelle: No shoes in the pool.
Danny: Girls, you better have an explanation for this.
Stephanie: He's blaming us! This is a nightmare!
D.J.: Dad, it's not our fault! Michelle dragged in her pool, Michelle filled it with water, Michelle blew up her floaties, and Michelle threw herself a pool party!
Stephanie: Dad, the keyword here is Michelle.
[The "Little Princess"'s special treatment is about to come to a stop.]
Danny: Michelle, you've had it pretty easy around here.
Michelle: I like it here.
Danny: Well, things are about to change. The truth is, Michelle, you're very, very special to me because you're my last little baby. And, I guess, in a way, I wanted you to stay that way. But I gotta face it. [sternly] You're a big girl now. And when you do something wrong, you're old enough to be punished.
Michelle: Is it over now?
Danny: No, listening to me talk is not punishment. Although it does help you to go to sleep. Honey, I just want you to know I'm only doing this because I love you.
Michelle: I love you too, Daddy.
Danny: [as he takes her upstairs, with each step...] My shoe is wet. My shoe is wet. My shoe is wet. My shoe is wet. I can feel it.
Michelle: [singing] This is no fun, no fun, looking at the wall...
[Danny enters her room.]
Michelle: Yes, Daddy?
Danny: Are you ready to be a good girl now?
Michelle: I'll be a very good girl.
Danny: Good. And did you learn a lesson from all this [her punishment]?
Michelle: Yes, I did. No swimming in the kitchen.
Danny: Yes, no swimming in the kitchen, that's a very important lesson. But there's a bigger lesson here. Daddy, Uncle Jesse, and Joey, we know what's best for you. So, honey, when we ask you to do something, you should do it. Deal?
Michelle: You're the boss.
Danny: OK, punishment is over. [He gets her ready for bed.]
[Before he lets her have her shut-eye...]
Michelle: Daddy, am I still your 'little princess'?
Danny: Oh, you got it, dude [with the thumb sign].
- The episode title is likely a take on the Woody Allen film Crimes and Misdemeanors, which is named after the phrase "high crimes and misdemeanors", found in the U.S. Constitution
- The Dr. Seuss book that Danny reads to Michelle is Fox in Socks
- D.J.'s reference to Michelle being "Cinderella" and herself and Stephanie being the "ugly stepsisters" (see quote) is a reference to Michelle always getting special treatment (similar to Cinderella getting to dance with the prince at the ball instead of her step-sisters)
- The only known episode to have a catchphrase in its original form ("You're in big trouble, mister!") and a variation ("Am I in big trouble, mister?") in the same episode; but the first to feature the variation (second was "A Fish Called Martin")
- When Michelle says "No way, José!" to Danny, he says "She's never called me 'José' before", but did say the same thing in "Bye, Bye Birdie" (3.16)
- Joey's "Liverace" remark is a take on Liberace