|Good News, Bad News|
|Season 4, episode 5|
|Air date||October 19, 1990|
|Next||A Pinch for a Pinch|
Joey teaches Michelle her first joke, which happens to be the "Boo who?" knock-knock joke. Then he tries his own spin on it, hoping she gets the knack. Unfortunately, she doesn't quite get it, until Danny knocks on the door (for real) and she responds with "Who's there?". He says, "It's Dad", to which Michelle replies, "Dad who?", and Danny responds, "You don't know your own dad?" And Michelle says, "Don't cry, it's only a joke", the response to the "Boo who?" joke.
D.J. is named the new editor-in-chief of her school's newspaper, and she plays favorites by making Kimmy Gibbler the editor of the sports page (as her best friend acts like a dog to get the gig), despite Jake Bitterman (from "13 Candles") accusing D.J. of nepotism (which isn't true, as she and Kimmy are not related) and asking why she did not hire him instead. When Kimmy turns in a report that looks like it belongs in the gossip column, D.J. tells her to rewrite the story, but when she refuses and subsequently accuses D.J. of being "Queen of the Paper", D.J. fires her, and that leads to a feud between them.
To get back at the so-called "Queen of the Paper", Kimmy decides to write her own newspaper, The Gibbler Gazette, and she writes horrible things about D.J., including a front-page headline accusing "Power-Hungry Editor Donna Jo Tanner" of stabbing her in the back, and pasting pictures of D.J.'s face on Freddie Krueger's and Fred Flintstone's bodies, the latter of which is a way of comparing D.J. firing her to Fred Flintstone getting angry at his friend Barney Rubble.
Meanwhile, after a gig where Jesse and Joey make Comet "talk", Double J Creative Services is hired by the TV station, which wants a commercial made for Wake Up, San Francisco, but working with Danny and Becky on the commercial turns out to be anything but fun. They use extras as "typical viewers" of the show, and while Danny and Becky are to bonk coffee cups, they unfortunately smash them. Per Jesse, it took 24 cups and 12 takes to finally get it right.
Later that day in the kitchen, in an attempt to trash her temporarily ex-best friend's reputation, D.J. is using a typewriter to type what appears to be an editorial filled with secrets about Kimmy stored up in her head since kindergarten (see Quotes). When she explains her problem to the adults, they all tell her that it does not take strength to hold a grudge, but to let go of one. They explain that the one important lesson in friendship is forgiveness, and Danny and Becky demonstrate this lesson by hugging each other and apologizing for the retakes and the many cups being used.
Just then, Kimmy comes by to return everyone's stuff, such as Jesse's hairbrush (he remarks that she can keep the hair), Joey's car keys (for which she remarks he needs a new car stereo, and he remarks he needs a new car alarm), and Danny's answering machine beeper (to which he reminds her what it means to "borrow", meaning she needs to ask next time). After threatening to return each other's gifts (including Kimmy returning D.J.'s old retainer, see below), D.J. and Kimmy later forgive each other and end up working things out, and D.J. gives Kimmy a different job on the paper — one that might suit her better.
Also, after finding out D.J. is too busy to play with her (because of her preoccupation with her new gig at the school paper), Michelle plays "Shadow" with Stephanie, and hearing Michelle repeat every word that Stephanie says is driving her crazy, so she tries to turn the tables on Michelle, even getting her to tongue-twist the Pledge of Allegiance, but it does not work. Even D.J. finds the game annoying despite not being directly involved; Stephanie then plays along until Michelle quits, only to have the tables turned back on her (see Quotes). She gets Kimmy to play it with Michelle at the end; she is successful, and Michelle soon begins driving Kimmy crazy with the Shadow game (which continues as the audience applauds and the EP credits appear).
Kimmy: All right, Madame Editor! Give me a job on that paper, and we are going to rule the school.
D.J.: You want to work on the paper? I’ve never even seen you read a paper.
Kimmy: I read papers! ...whenever I’m in line at the supermarket.
D.J.: Well, I don’t think we’re gonna need any articles about finding Elvis on Mars.
Kimmy: It was Venus. Come on, I need an extracurricular activity so it looks like I care about the stupid school.
D.J.: Well, Kimmy, I'd really like to put you on the paper, but the only thing left is sports editor.
Kimmy: That's perfect for me.
D.J.: You don't know anything about sports.
Kimmy: Sure I do. My mom used to be a professional wrestler. ... Please? You're my best, best, best friend. [She makes a face.]
D.J.: Oh, not the 'puppy dog face'. [Kimmy whimpers.] Oh, not the whimper. OK, you've got the job. Just don't lick my face.
Kimmy: All right! Thanks, D.J.!
[Stephanie desperately tries to escape Michelle and the shadow game, so she runs into the closet.]
Stephanie: Hide me, hide me!
Michelle: [coming into the room] Hide me, hide me!
[D.J. and Kimmy point to the closet and Michelle locates her.]
Stephanie: [to D.J. & Kimmy – sarcastically] Thanks, you guys!
Michelle: Thanks, you guys!
[Stephanie glares at her.]
[Kimmy turns in a report that D.J. thinks belongs in a gossip column. But when Jake Bitterman accuses D.J. of 'nepotism'...]
D.J.: No, it's not! It's favoritism.
Jake: It's still an '-ism'.
D.J.: Look, Kimmy. I need a new article written right away.
Kimmy: Then write it yourself!
D.J.: That's your job.
Kimmy: What's your job, 'Queen of the Paper'?
D.J.: Look, I'm the editor and I'm telling you to do this over.
Kimmy: No way. I skipped my nap in algebra to write that. I'm not doing it.
D.J.: Then I guess you're not sports editor.
Kimmy: Then I guess we're not friends.
Kimmy: Fine. [She throws her report away and leaves.]
[Coming home from school, Stephanie slowly sneaks in through the front door, ensuring there's no sign of Michelle. But Michelle slowly sneaks up behind her.]
Stephanie: Ah, no Michelle.
Michelle: Ah, no Michelle.
[Stephanie makes a disgusted growl and Michelle mimics back. Then, D.J. comes home from school, and her slamming the door suggests she hasn't had a good day.]
Stephanie: She is driving me bananas!
Michelle: She is driving me bananas!
D.J.: Steph, not now. I've had a horrible day. Kimmy and I are never speaking to each other again.
Stephanie: Gee, that's a shame.
Michelle: Gee, that's a shame.
Stephanie: OK, big shot. Let's see you try and handle this: [saying the "Pledge of Allegiance" as fast as she can] Try that.
Michelle: Try that [not even attempting the pledge].
[Stephanie goes and sits down in a chair and Michelle sits right next to her.]
[Stephanie looks at her in disgust and then does a facepalm, and Michelle does the same.]
[In the kitchen, D.J. is typing an 'anti-Kimmy' editorial, as her sisters walk in from the laundry room side.]
Stephanie: Are you still typing?
Michelle: Are you still typing?
D.J.: Michelle, aren't you tired of the shadow game yet?
Michelle: No way, José!
Stephanie: [tapping her sister's shoulder] No way, José! [D.J. smiles.]
Michelle: Hey, that's my game!
Stephanie: Hey, that's my game!
Michelle: I quit! [She leaves.]
Stephanie: I quit! [The coast is clear...] I'm free! [...but not for long.]
Michelle: I'm free!
Stephanie: Please give me my life back.
Michelle: Please give me my life back. [Stephanie leaves.] I love this game. [And she leaves.]
[In her and her sister's room...]
D.J.: By the second grade, Kimmy's diseased mind reached a new low: she faked the mumps by having two Hostess Sno-Balls stuffed in her cheeks.
[Then her sister rushes in, hopefully having escaped her own worst nightmare.]
Stephanie: I did it! I lost her going through the doggy door! [Then a loud knock is heard on their door.] Oh, please don't let it be Michelle.
Kimmy: [from outside] It's Kimmy Gibbler!
Stephanie: Or Kimmy Gibbler.
- "Good news, bad news" is a comedy trope used in TV and movies wherein a character often uses the phrase "I have good news and bad news..."
- The first episode where Comet "talks"
- The second episode where Kimmy's full name, Kimberly Louise Gibbler, is used (the first being "D.J.'s Very First Horse" in season 2)
- The second episode where Stephanie messes up the Pledge of Allegiance, as she omits "under God"; in "The First Day of School", as D.J. picks her up and carries her over to her bed and tucks her in, she only gets as far as the first line before messing up the rest of the pledge
- The only episode where D.J.'s full name is used alone
- When D.J. and Kimmy return each other's gifts, the audience can be heard going "Ugh!" before laughing, when Kimmy returns D.J.'s old retainer
- The third of four episodes this season to use the Lorimar Television music in the closing credits