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Kissing Cousins

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Kissing Cousins
Season 7, episode 18
Kissing cousins
Air date February 15, 1994
Writer(s) Tom Burkhard
Director John Tracy
Previous The Last Dance
Next Love on the Rocks

Kissing Cousins is episode eighteen of season seven on Full House. It originally aired on February 15, 1994.

Opening Teaser

Nicky and Alex are playing "Cowboys", using all the pillows and blankets in the house to build a "fort". Becky catches on to what they're doing, and she teaches them that it's wrong to tell a fib, and tries to make them take all the pillows and blankets and put them back in their proper places. However, unbeknownst to her, Joey is behind the "fort". When Becky and the boys see him, they attack him.

Synopsis

Jesse has returned home from Greece, where he attended Papouli's funeral, and he has brought his cousin Stavros home with him. What he and the rest of the family don't know is that Stavros is a womanizing con artist.

After he returns from taking Stephanie and Michelle out to the race track (and makes Michelle bet all her tooth fairy money on a long shot) and then drinks orange juice right out of the carton, Stavros swindles Joey out of a watch and $20 in a game of gin rummy, makes a pass at Becky, used Danny's razor to shave, gets him a $65 ticket for parking next to a fire hydrant (or what he calls a "little rocket ship where dogs go pee-pee"), and also makes D.J. pay $20 out of her own pocket for an awful-smelling double feta cheese and goat pizza that he actually had the money for all along (even saying he doesn't have drachmas). To make matters worse, that $20 was the last of D.J.'s cash, so she doesn't even have enough for a delivery tip. Initially everyone decides to tough it out, as Stavros will be returning to Greece in a few days. However, Jesse, unaware of what's going on, announces that Stavros may be moving in with them. When everyone tries to tell Jesse what kind of man Stavros is, he refuses to believe them. Stavros overhears that meeting.

Then Stavros prepares to go home, because he says that the village of Polopolis was ruined by a severe mudslide. Without Jesse knowing it, Stavros gives everyone back the watch and money he swindled them for, and apologizes to Becky.

The Smash Club is the setting for Stavros' latest (and last) scam, and he is raising money at the Smash Club for Polopolis's recovery from the mudslide. When he tosses his jacket over Michelle,

Stephanie removes it, and finds an envelope with a plane ticket. Becky and the girls discover that there was no mudslide, and that Stavros not only was lying all along, but also plans to take the money—and Becky—on an airplane flight to Orlando, Florida with him that night.

While huddling with the girls, Becky comes up with a plan that proves to Jesse that Stavros is a con artist, using an undercover sting in Jesse's office. What Stavros doesn't know is that a microphone is hidden in a vase of flowers as part of the sting, which pretty much catches him in the act, as everything is heard through the speakers onstage. When he tries to escape, Danny and Joey stop him and cut him off.

Jesse tells Stavros that he trusted him. Stavros says "Oh, look at you. All I'm hearing in Greece is about Jesse in America. How wonderful job is, beautiful wife, perfect family."

Jesse says that maybe he does have all that, but he didn't get it by stealing, but by working for it, and that maybe that's something Stavros should try someday. Stavros insists that he did try working very hard, adding that it was the worst day of his life. Jesse says "You hurt me, Stavros. You may be family, but you're outta here."

Danny and Joey then escort Stavros out of the Smash Club, with Michelle reminding Stavros about his 9:18 a.m. flight the next day, and then Jesse apologizes to the family for refusing to believe them. They understand that sometimes it is hard to believe the truth about a loved one, and that's why Jesse refused to believe them in the first place. Jesse wants to return everybody's money, but D.J. suggests that they give the donated money to a local children's hospital, which everybody agrees to. To cap that off, everyone also agrees to participate in a Greek dance (as the audience applauds and the EP credits appear).

Quotes

[Stavros, Stephanie, and Michelle return home from a trip to the race track.]
Joey: Hey, guys.
Danny: Hey. [kisses Michelle] So, where did you take Stavros sight-seeing?
Joey: Golden Gate Bridge? Fisherman's Wharf?
Michelle: The race track.
Danny: You took Stavros to the race track?
Stephanie: No, he took us.
Danny: [looking shocked] Stavros took you to the track?
[We cut to the open fridge, where Stavros is drinking orange juice...out of the carton!]
Stavros: Track is very educational. [He burps, and then tells Michelle to...] Tell Papa what you learned.
Michelle: Don't bet your tooth fairy money on a long shot.
[She and Stephanie head upstairs to their room, but little do they know that the troubles are just starting to unravel. Once they're completely upstairs, Stavros walks over to the table with orange juice carton in hand and sits with Joey and Danny.]
Stavros: Thanks for use of car, Dan. I parked right in gray spot, right in front of little rocket ship, where dogs go pee-pee. [He returns Danny's car keys.]
Danny: Rocket ship where dogs go pee-pee...fire hydrant! [He walks out and is just about to move his car when something crosses his mind...] Do me a favor...don't put that back in the fridge.


Stavros: [pretends to wipe tears off his face] Beautiful.
Becky: Well, it's just a carrot.


Stavros: [to Becky] Anyone ever tell you you carve vegetables like.... Greek goddess?
Becky: No, not recently.


[The dance-a-thon at the Smash Club has just wrapped up, and Stavros continues to rake in cash for his latest scam.]
Stavros: OK, dance-a-thon over! [applause] OK, time to put money where my hand is. [He gestures to the money box, then proceeds to grab more cash from unsuspecting patrons; while he does so, he tosses his jacket, and it lands on Michelle, covering her. As soon as Stephanie throws the jacket off, both she and Michelle discover an envelope on the floor, and pick it up.]
Stephanie: What's this? [she opens it up] A plane ticket?! [D.J. passes by, and they immediately show it to her] Deej, look! Stavros is flying to Orlando, Florida tonight.
[Becky shows up]
Becky: Hey, girls.
D.J.: [shows the ticket] Aunt Becky, you might be interested in this. Stavros is flying to Orlando tonight.
Becky: Oh, no. I bet this whole mudslide thing is just another one of his scams. By tomorrow, he's gonna be cruising the Magic Kingdom trying to get Tinker Bell's phone number.
Stephanie: [sighs] We'd better tell Uncle Jesse.
Becky: You know Uncle Jesse feels about Stavros, Steph. He's not gonna believe us. But I have a plan. We're gonna have to prove it to him, and you know what? I think I have a way to do it. Come here. [She and the girls get into a huddle, and she whispers her plan to them.]


[In what appears to be an undercover sting, the family and patrons listen as Becky is in Jesse's office, where a vase of flowers sits on the table. Becky has just planted a microphone in it, and then sits on the couch, anxiously awaiting Stavros.]
Becky: It's open.
[Stavros enters.]
Stavros: Michelle said you wanted to see me alone.
Becky: Oh, yes. I'll be frank.
Stavros: [thinking she means the name Frank] Can I still be Stavros?
Becky: Whatever turns you on. Stavros, I know I haven't known you that long, but, I have the--
Stavros: The hearts for my bun-bun?
Becky: Well, I wasn't exactly going to put it like that. But, yes-yes. I don't know if you know this, but, yesterday I couldn't take my eyes off of you while you ate Spaghetti-O's with your fingers.
Stavros: Spoons are for wimps. Now, kiss me, Yankee Doodle Doll-face.
[They cross paths, and now Stavros is sitting on the couch while Becky sits on the desk holding the flower vase.]
Becky: I will. But, um, first, I'd like to ask you a question. [She walks over to the couch and sits down, while still holding the vase, which she then puts on the table near the couch.] How would you like to run away with me some place warm and romantic, the kind of place you want to go after you've won the Super Bowl?
Stavros: This is filled with big [inaudible]. [He gets up to close the door before returning to the couch.] Going to Florida tonight. Let's paint town with roller!
Becky: [picks up the flower vase and runs towards Stavros] Really? What about this benefit and all the money we're raising?
Stavros: Becky, this whole thing is as fake as 3-drachma bill. Now kiss me before my breath spray wears off.
Becky: Um, I would, but I feel we're going to be interrupted any second. [a knock on the door] Did I call that, or what? [She runs towards the door with flower vase in hand, opens the door, and Michelle is right outside.] How come you're not Jesse in a jealous rage?!
Michelle: [softly] Maybe because we can't hear you!
Becky: I should probably turn the microphone on.
Michelle: Probably.
[Becky closes the door and turns her attention to Stavros.]
Becky: Your loafer's untied.
[And that's enough of a distraction for her to remove the mic, turn it on, and put it back into the vase.]
Stavros: Whoa, ha ha ha ha ha ha. You make joke with Stavros. Now we kiss!
[But the minute he runs towards her, she runs from the door so he can't catch her, and he runs smack into the door.]
Becky: You missed! Now, we kiss. But first, do you know what would really, really drive me wild?
Stavros: Painting sad clouds of your toenails?
Becky: Well, yes. Certainly. [picks out a white rose] But first...I would really love it if you would, uh, tell me your whole brilliant plan....one more time! [sticks the stem of the white rose between her teeth]
Stavros: Oh, so that's what floats your tuna boat. [cut to Becky and the white rose, then the speakers on stage, where their entire conversation is heard] First of all, there was no mudslide. [then cuts to Jesse, who's also listening]
Becky: Really, Stavros? Oh, tell me more. Louder!
[cut to the family and patrons outside, then back to the office, where what Stavros discovers in the flowers pretty much confirms the jig is up]
Stavros: We sneak off to Florida...why are you sticking flowers in my face?
Becky: So everyone can hear you!
[He pulls out the item hidden in the bouquet.]
Stavros: A microphone?! [He tries to make a dash for it, but before he can make his attempted escape...] Does this mean you don't wanna go? [Becky grabs the microphone, and he then opens the door and makes a run for it.]
Becky: [on the microphone and heard through the speakers] Jess, if you're listening, here he comes!
[Jesse and the family leap into action. As soon as Stavros makes it onstage and grabs the money box, he tries to make a dash for the exit, but Danny stops him and cuts him off.]
Danny: Hold it! [he imitates a martial artist, causing Stavros to toss the money box over to him; he then tries again, but this time, Joey stops him]
Stephanie: Get him, Uncle Jesse!
[Jesse leaps into action and grabs his cousin and throws him over his shoulder, then Danny and Joey come over and grab him.]
Danny: I got him, Jess!
[Danny and Joey keep a tight grip on Stavros' arms to stop his escape.]
Jesse: OK guys, let him go. [they do]


Jesse: Stavros, how could you do this to me? To my family? I trusted you, man. I looked up to you.
Stavros: Oh, look at you. All I'm hearing in Greece is about Jesse in America. How wonderful job is, beautiful wife, perfect family.
Jesse: All right, maybe I do have all that. But I didn't get it by stealing—I worked for it. Maybe that's something you should try.
Stavros: I did try. I worked very, very hard. Worst day of my life.
Jesse: You hurt me, Stavros. You may be family, but you're outta here. I'm sorry, guys.
Danny: It's OK, Jess. Come on, Stavros. You've got a plane to catch.
Michelle: Thursday, 9:18. Be there!
Danny: Let's go. [he and Joey escort Stavros out of the Smash Club]
Jesse: [to the family, as Becky walks over to him] I'm sorry, guys. I should've listened to you. [to the patrons] And everybody, I'm gonna make sure you get your money back.
D.J.: Or you could give to a really good cause, like the children's hospital.
Jesse: That's a good idea, Deej. What do you guys think? [everyone applauds the decision]


Jesse: Oh, I'm sorry, Beck. I should've listened to you about Stavros.
Becky: Well, when you care about someone, sometimes it's hard to see the truth.

Trivia

  • John Stamos plays a dual role as Jesse and Stavros (with David Dean as Stamos' double—credited at the end)
  • The only appearance of cousin Stavros
  • In 1964, Elvis Presley starred in a movie also titled Kissing Cousins (Jesse is a big Elvis fan)
  • Stavros mentions that he does not have drachmas—the drachma was the Greek currency at the time; since 2002, like the other countries in the European Union, it has been the euro
  • Becky's "the kind of place you want to go to after you've won the Super Bowl is a reference to Walt Disney World, which is known for it's "I'm going to Disney World!" post-Super Bowl campaign
  • When D.J. mentions the "dance-a-thon" they had done to raise money for a children's hospital, it may have been a reference to season three's "Our Very First Telethon"
  • The music to which everyone does the Greek dance in the final few seconds carries over to the syndicated bumper logo (instead of using the truncated closing theme)

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