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Kissing Cousins

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Kissing Cousins
Season 7, episode 18
Kissing cousins
Air date February 15, 1994
Writer(s) Tom Burkhard
Director John Tracy
Previous The Last Dance
Next Love on the Rocks

Kissing Cousins is episode eighteen of season seven on Full House. It originally aired on February 15, 1994.

Opening Teaser

Nicky and Alex are playing "Cowboys", using all the pillows and blankets in the house to build a "fort". Becky catches on to what they're doing, and she teaches them that it's wrong to tell a fib, and tries to make them take all the pillows and blankets and put them back in their proper places. However, unbeknownst to her, Joey is behind the "fort". When Becky and the boys see him, they attack him.

Synopsis

The episode starts with Danny practicing some martial arts with Joey. To practice his chops, he uses a banana in lieu of a wood piece, and asks Joey to chop the banana as part of his "disarm and disable move" for a self-defense class he's taking (almost similar to the karate classes that D.J. took during the first few seasons). Joey successfully chops it, causing it to splatter in Danny's face.

Suddenly, the doorbell rings, and Jesse has returned home from Greece, where he attended Papouli's funeral, and he has brought his cousin Stavros home with him, and Alex and Nicky immediately mistake Stavros for their dad. What he and the rest of the family don't know is that Stavros is a womanizing con artist.

After he returns from taking Stephanie and Michelle out to the race track (and makes Michelle bet all her tooth fairy money on a long shot) and then drinks orange juice right out of the carton, Stavros swindles Joey out of a watch and $20 in a game of gin rummy, makes a pass at Becky (causing her to hit him with a carrot), used Danny's razor to shave, gets him a $65 ticket for parking next to a fire hydrant (or what he calls a "little rocket ship where dogs go pee-pee"), and also makes D.J. pay $20 out of her own pocket for an awful-smelling double feta cheese and goat pizza with lamb guts that he actually had the money for all along (even saying he doesn't have drachmas, see Trivia). To make matters worse, that $20 was the last of D.J.'s cash, so she doesn't even have enough for a delivery tip. Initially everyone decides to tough it out, as Stavros will be returning to Greece in a few days. However, Jesse, unaware of what's going on, announces that Stavros may be moving in with them. When everyone tries to tell Jesse what kind of man Stavros is, he refuses to believe them. Stavros overhears that meeting. Jesse says that when he was a stranger in Greece, Stavros treated him like family, saying that when they insult Stavros, they insult him.

Then Stavros prepares to go home, because he says that the village of Polopolis was ruined by a severe mudslide. Without Jesse knowing it, Stavros gives everyone back Joey's watch and all the money he swindled them for, and apologizes to Becky.

The Smash Club is the setting for Stavros' latest (and last) scam, and he is raising money for Polopolis's recovery from the mudslide, using a dance-a-thon organized by the family, where everyone can donate and participate. After that part of the scam is complete, he wants everyone to "put money where hand is", as he grabs more cash from unsuspecting patrons who didn't participate in the dance-a-thon.

While he continues his get-rich-quick scheme, he tosses his jacket over Michelle, Stephanie removes it, and finds an envelope with a plane ticket. She passes the news along to D.J., who passes it along to Becky. Becky and the girls discover that there was no mudslide, and that Stavros not only was lying all along, but also plans to take the money—and Becky—on an airplane flight to Orlando, Florida with him that night.

While huddling with the girls, Becky comes up with a plan that proves to Jesse that Stavros is a con artist, using an undercover sting in Jesse's office. What Stavros doesn't know is that a microphone is hidden in a vase of flowers as part of the sting, which pretty much catches him in the act and confirms that the jig is up, as everything is heard through the speakers onstage. When he tries to escape with the cash box, Danny and Joey stop him and cut him off with the martial arts moves they practiced earlier.

Jesse tells Stavros that he trusted him. Stavros says "Oh, look at you. All I'm hearing in Greece is about Jesse in America. How wonderful job is, beautiful wife, perfect family."

Jesse says that maybe he does have all that, but he didn't get it by stealing, but by working for it, and that maybe that's something Stavros should try someday. Stavros insists that he did try working very hard, adding that it was the worst day of his life. Jesse says "You hurt me, Stavros. You may be family, but you're outta here."

Danny and Joey then escort Stavros out of the Smash Club, with Michelle reminding Stavros about his 9:18 a.m. flight the next day, and then Jesse apologizes to the family for refusing to believe them. They understand that sometimes it is hard to believe the truth about a loved one, and that's why Jesse refused to believe them in the first place. Jesse wants to return everybody's money, but D.J. suggests that they give the donated money to a local children's hospital, which everybody agrees to. To cap that off, everyone also agrees to participate in a Greek dance (as the audience applauds and the EP credits appear).

Quotes

[Stavros, Stephanie, and Michelle return home from a trip to the race track.]
Joey: Hey, guys.
Danny: Hey. [kisses Michelle] So, where did you take Stavros sight-seeing?
Joey: Golden Gate Bridge? Fisherman's Wharf?
Michelle: The race track.
Danny: You took Stavros to the race track?
Stephanie: No, he took us.
Danny: [looking shocked] Stavros took you to the track?
[We cut to the open fridge, where Stavros is drinking orange juice...out of the carton!]
Stavros: Track is very educational. [He burps, and then tells Michelle to...] Tell Papa what you learned.
Michelle: Don't bet your tooth fairy money on a long shot.
[She and Stephanie head upstairs to their room, but little do they know that the troubles are just starting to unravel. Once they're completely upstairs, Stavros walks over to the table with the orange juice carton in hand and sits with Joey and Danny.]
Stavros: Thanks for use of car, Dan. I parked right in gray spot, right in front of little rocket ship, where dogs go pee-pee. [He returns Danny's car keys.]
Danny: Rocket ship where dogs go pee-pee...fire hydrant! [He walks out and is just about to move his car when something crosses his mind regarding the orange juice carton...] Do me a favor...don't put that back in the fridge.


Stavros: [pretends to wipe tears off his face] Beautiful.
Becky: Well, it's just a carrot.
Stavros: [to Becky] Anyone ever tell you you carve vegetables like.... Greek goddess?
Becky: No, not recently.


[The dance-a-thon at the Smash Club has just wrapped up, and Stavros continues to rake in cash for his latest scam.]
Stavros: OK, dance-a-thon over! [applause] OK, time to put money where my hand is. [He gestures to the money box, then proceeds to grab more cash from unsuspecting patrons; while he does so, he tosses his jacket, and it lands on Michelle, covering her. As soon as Stephanie throws the jacket off, both she and Michelle discover an envelope on the floor, and pick it up.]
Stephanie: What's this? [she opens it up] A plane ticket?! [D.J. passes by, and they immediately show it to her] Deej, look! Stavros is flying to Orlando, Florida tonight.
[Becky shows up]
Becky: Hey, girls.
D.J.: [shows the ticket] Aunt Becky, you might be interested in this. Stavros is flying to Orlando tonight.
Becky: Oh, no. I bet this whole mudslide thing is just another one of his scams. By tomorrow, he's gonna be cruising the Magic Kingdom trying to get Tinker Bell's phone number.
Stephanie: [sighs] We'd better tell Uncle Jesse.
Becky: You know Uncle Jesse feels about Stavros, Steph. He's not gonna believe us. But I have a plan. We're gonna have to prove it to him, and you know what? I think I have a way to do it. Come here. [She and the girls get into a huddle, and she whispers her plan to them.]


Jesse: Stavros, how could you do this to me? To my family? I trusted you, man. I looked up to you.
Stavros: Oh, look at you. All I'm hearing in Greece is about Jesse in America. How wonderful job is, beautiful wife, perfect family.
Jesse: All right, maybe I do have all that. But I didn't get it by stealing—I worked for it. Maybe that's something you should try.
Stavros: I did try. I worked very, very hard. Worst day of my life.
Jesse: You hurt me, Stavros. You may be family, but you're outta here. I'm sorry, guys.
Danny: It's OK, Jess. Come on, Stavros. You've got a plane to catch.
Michelle: Thursday, 9:18. Be there!
Danny: Let's go. [he and Joey escort Stavros out of the Smash Club]
Jesse: [to the family, as Becky walks over to him] I'm sorry, guys. I should've listened to you. [to the patrons] And everybody, I'm gonna make sure you get your money back.
D.J.: Or you could give to a really good cause, like the children's hospital.
Jesse: That's a good idea, Deej. What do you guys think? [everyone applauds the decision]


Jesse: Oh, I'm sorry, Beck. I should've listened to you about Stavros.
Becky: Well, when you care about someone, sometimes it's hard to see the truth.

Trivia

  • John Stamos plays a dual role as Jesse and Stavros (with David Dean as Stamos' double—credited at the end)
  • The only appearance of cousin Stavros
  • In 1964, Elvis Presley starred in a movie also titled Kissing Cousins (Jesse is a big Elvis fan)
  • Stavros mentions that he does not have drachmas—the drachma was the Greek currency at the time; since 2002, like the other countries in the European Union, it has been the euro
  • Becky's "the kind of place you want to go to after you've won the Super Bowl is a reference to Walt Disney World, which is known for it's "I'm going to Disney World!" post-Super Bowl campaign
  • When D.J. mentions the "dance-a-thon" they had done to raise money for a children's hospital, it may have been a reference to season three's "Our Very First Telethon"
  • The music to which everyone does the Greek dance in the final few seconds carries over to the syndicated bumper logo (instead of using the truncated closing theme)

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