|Season 7, episode 18|
|Air date||February 15, 1994|
|Previous||The Last Dance|
|Next||Love on the Rocks|
Jesse has returned home from Greece, where he attended Papouli's funeral, and he has brought his cousin Stavros home with him. What he and the rest of the family don't know is that Stavros is a womanizing con artist.
Stavros swindles Joey out of a watch and $20, makes a pass at Becky, used Danny's razor to shave, gets him a $65 ticket for parking next to a fire hydrant, and also makes D.J. pay $20 out of her own pocket for an awful-smelling double feta cheese and goat pizza that he actually had the money for all along (even saying he doesn't have drachmas, the Greek currency), and to make matters worse, that $20 was the last of D.J.'s cash, so she doesn't even have enough for a delivery tip. Initially everyone decides to tough it out, as Stavros will be returning to Greece in a few days. However, Jesse, unaware of what's going on, announces that Stavros may be moving in with them. When everyone tries to tell Jesse what kind of man Stavros is, he refuses to believe them. Stavros overhears that meeting.
Then Stavros prepares to go home, because he says that the village of Polopolis was ruined by a severe mudslide. Without Jesse knowing it, Stavros gives everyone back the watch and money he swindled them for, and apologizes to Becky.
The Smash Club is the setting for Stavros's latest (and last) scam, and he is raising money at the Smash Club for Polopolis's recovery from the mudslide. Becky and the girls discover that there was no mudslide, and that Stavros not only was lying all along, but also plans to take the money—and Becky—on an airplane flight to Orlando, Florida with him that night.
Becky comes up with a plan that proves to Jesse that Stavros is a con artist, using an undercover sting in Jesse's dressing room. What Stavros doesn't know is that a microphone is hidden in a vase of flowers as part of the sting, which pretty much catches him in the act, as everything is heard through the speakers onstage. When he tries to escape, Danny and Joey stop him and cut him off.
Jesse tells Stavros that he trusted him. Stavros says "Oh, look at you. All I'm hearing in Greece is about Jesse in America. How wonderful job is, beautiful wife, perfect family."
Jesse says that maybe he does have all that, but he didn't get it by stealing, but by working for it, and that maybe that's something Stavros should try someday. Stavros insists that he did try working very hard, adding that it was the worst day of his life. Jesse says "You hurt me, Stavros. You may be family, but you're outta here."
Danny and Joey then escort Stavros out of the Smash Club, and then Jesse apologizes to the family for refusing to believe them. They understand that sometimes it's hard to believe the truth about a loved one, and that's why Jesse refused to believe them in the first place. Jesse wants to return everybody's money, but D.J. suggests that they give the donated money to a local children's hospital, which everybody agrees to.
- John Stamos plays a dual role as both Jesse and Stavros, with David Dean as Stamos' double (credited at the end)
- The only appearance of cousin Stavros
- "Kissing Cousins" is also the name of an Elvis movie released in 1964 (Jesse is a big Elvis fan)
- When D.J. mentions the "dance-a-thon" they had done to raise money for a children's hospital, it may have been a reference to season three's "Our Very First Telethon"
- The music to which everyone does the Greek dance in the final few seconds carries over to the syndicated bumper logo (instead of using the truncated closing theme)
Stavros: (pretends to wipe tears off his face) Beautiful.
Becky: Well, it's just a carrot.
Stavros: (to Becky) Anyone ever tell you you carve vegetables like.... Greek goddess?
Becky: No, not recently.
[The dance-a-thon at the Smash Club has just wrapped up, and Stavros continues to rake in cash for his latest scam.]
Stavros: OK, dance-a-thon over! [applause] OK, time to put money where my hand is. [He gestures to the money box, then proceeds to grab more cash from unsuspecting patrons; while he does so, he tosses his jacket, and it lands on Michelle, covering her. As soon as Stephanie throws the jacket off, both she and Michelle discover an envelope on the floor, and pick it up.]
Stephanie: What's this? [she opens it up] A plane ticket?! [D.J. passes by] Deej, look! Stavros is flying to Orlando, Florida tonight.
[Becky shows up]
Becky: Hey girls.
D.J.: [shows the ticket] Aunt Becky, you might be interested in this. Stavros is flying to Orlando tonight.
Becky: Oh, no. I bet this whole mudslide thing is just another one of his scams. By tomorrow, he's gonna be cruising the Magic Kingdom trying to get Tinker Bell's phone number.
Stephanie: [sighs] We'd better tell Uncle Jesse.
Becky: You know Uncle Jesse feels about Stavros, Steph. He's not gonna believe us. But I have a plan. We're gonna have to prove it to him, and you know what? I think I have a way to do it. Come here. [she and the girls get into a huddle, while she whispers her plan to them]
[Later, in what appears to be an undercover sting, the family and patrons listen as Stavros and Becky are in Jesse's dressing room, where a vase of flowers sits on the table.]
Becky: [picks out a white rose] I would really love it if you would, uh, tell me your whole brilliant plan....one more time! [sticks the stem of the white rose between her teeth]
Stavros: Oh, so that's what floats your tuna boat. [cut to Becky and the white rose, then the speakers on stage, where their entire conversation is heard] First of all, there was no mudslide. [then cuts to Jesse, who's also listening]
Becky: Really, Stavros? Oh, tell me more. Louder!
[cut to the family and patrons outside, then back to the dressing room, where what Stavros discovers in the flowers pretty much confirms the jig is up]
Stavros: We sneak off to Florida--why are you sticking flowers in my face?
Becky: So everyone can hear you!
[he pulls out the item hidden in the bouquet]
Stavros: A microphone?! [he tries to make a dash for it, but the door is locked] Does this mean you don't wanna go? [Becky grabs the microphone, and he then is able to get out the unlocked door]
Becky: [on the microphone and heard through the speakers] Jess, if you're listening, here he comes!
[Jesse and the family leap into action. As soon as Stavros makes it onstage and grabs the money box, he tries to make a dash for the exit, but Danny stops him and cuts him off]
Danny: Hold it! [he imitates a martial artist, causing Stavros to toss the money box over to him; he then tries again, but this time, Joey stops him]
Stephanie: Get him, Uncle Jesse!
[Jesse leaps into action and grabs his cousin and throws him over his shoulder, then Danny and Joey come over and grab him]
Danny: I got him, Jess!
[Danny and Joey keep a tight grip on Stavros' arms to stop his escape]
Jesse: OK guys, let him go. [they do]
Jesse: Stavros, how could you do this to me? To my family? I trusted you, man. I looked up to you.
Stavros: Oh, look at you. All I'm hearing in Greece is about Jesse in America. How wonderful job is, beautiful wife, perfect family.
Jesse: All right, maybe I do have all that. But I didn't get it by stealing—I worked for it. Maybe that's something you should try.
Stavros: I did try. I worked very, very hard. Worst day of my life.
Jesse: You hurt me, Stavros. You may be family, but you're outta here. I'm sorry, guys.
Danny: It's OK, Jess. Come on, Stavros. You've got a plane to catch.
Michelle: Thursday, 9:18. Be there!
Danny: Let's go. [he and Joey escort Stavros out of the Smash Club]
Jesse: [to the family, as Becky walks over to him] I'm sorry, guys. I should've listened to you. [to the patrons] And everybody, I'm gonna make sure you get your money back.
D.J.: Or you could give to a really good cause, like the children's hospital.
Jesse: That's a good idea, Deej. What do you guys think? [everyone applauds the decision]
Jesse: Oh, I'm sorry, Beck. I should've listened to you about Stavros.
Becky: Well, when you care about someone, sometimes it's hard to see the truth.