|Lust in the Dust|
|Season 3, episode 15|
|Air date||January 26, 1990|
|Writer(s)||Bobby Fine & Gigi Vorgan|
|Previous||Misadventures in Babysitting|
|Next||Bye, Bye Birdie|
For what seems like the millionth time, Danny has once again broken a date, and this time, he says it is because her earlobes were not the right size. D.J. and Stephanie set Danny up with Stephanie's dance teacher, Karen Penner, including a candlelight lunch (instead of a dinner). However, when Danny and Karen later go to her apartment, he sees what a mess it is, and breaks yet another date.
It turns out that Danny has been deliberately nitpicking and finding mostly trivial things wrong with his dates so that he can have a reason to cancel them, because almost three years after Pam's death, he is still hesitant about dating again. Jesse and Joey convince him to give Karen another chance.
Speaking of Jesse and Joey, they've been hard at work with their latest marketing campaign for canned sardines. Apparently, Joey tries his best at being the "spokesfish", but Jesse thinks the voice needs work because he thinks Joey's never had a sardine before.
Meanwhile, Michelle has been taking things that belong to others and hiding them, such as Joey's tape recorder, Stephanie's pen, and D.J.'s Milli Vanilli cassette tape; the latter two of which are in her room and she returns to both sisters immediately, while the tape recorder is located by D.J. just as she is about to have breakfast, as she discovers it in the cereal box. And neither she nor Joey are happy about it (see Quotes).
In the meantime, Jesse is really late for an important rehearsal with his band because his keys are missing, and he needs them so he can start his motorcycle and open their rehearsal hall. After the older girls say that they have not seen them, Michelle is accused of taking and hiding Jesse's keys. D.J. asks him if he has an extra set of keys, and he sarcastically says that if he had, he would not be at the mercy of a 3-year-old (see Quotes). When Michelle shows a set of plastic-colored keys, he decides they had better retrace every step that she took. She giggles as he carries her downstairs.
Speaking of which, the interrogation continues in the living room, where D.J. simply asks Michelle to just come clean, once and for all, and to just plain reveal where she hid Jesse's keys; they (as in all 3, or even all 4 of them; Michelle included) really—and badly—want to move on with the rest of their lives, put the whole mess behind them, and pretend it never even happened. When Michelle still insists that she did not hide the keys, the older girls each have a method of trying to get her to talk (see Quotes). Jesse comes downstairs, remarking that he has looked in every room and trash can, still having no luck and still accusing her of the "crime". Everything is resolved when Joey comes home with a bunch of sardine cans in hand from their new project and points out that Jesse left his keys in the front door. Jesse apologizes to her for thinking she took his keys. She forgives him, and Stephanie allows Michelle to have the rest of her Popsicle.
Then, later, after another chat with Danny and Joey regarding tonight's events, Jesse heads off to his rehearsal... but once again, he can't find his keys, but this time the Popsicle-eating Michelle has them, for real, and hands them over after hiding them in her booster seat (see Quotes).
Taking Joey and Jesse's advice, Danny heads back to Karen's apartment. After she admits that she knows how to clean up, he admits that he didn't give her or even both of them a fair chance. She decides now's a good time as ever for that fair chance, and also a good time for a hug. She then admits that she doesn't remember where anything went after cleaning, but he decides to help her with that (as the audience applauds and the EP credits appear).
[Jesse and Joey are working on their new commercial in the living room.]
Joey: I did a real fun voice on my tape recorder this morning. Hey, where'd my little tape recorder go? [He searches for it.]
Michelle: Ha ha ha ha.
Joey: Oh now, that's a suspicious little giggle. Michelle, do you know where my little tape recorder is?
Michelle: [sing-song] Yes I do-oo.
Joey: And where is my tape recorder?
Michelle: The tape recorder's hiding.
Joey: It's not fun to hide other people's things.
Michelle: It is for me.
Jesse: [sampling the sardines for their new commercial] Hey, these puppies aren't half bad.
D.J.: [emerging from the kitchen] Look! I found this tape recorder in my cereal box. This is a much better prize than those plastic dinosaurs.
Joey: Thank you. I'll take that. [looking at Michelle and holding it up] Oh, look what I found.
Michelle: Aw, nuts.
Danny: [entering with a cleaning bucket and supplies] OK, I'm on Saturday bathroom patrol.
Joey: Wait, I thought you had a date with Joan what's-her-name.
Jesse: No, it's June what's-her-name.
Danny: It's Jane what's-her-name – and it doesn't matter 'cause I broke off the date.
[Karen asks Stephanie to show everybody what she has learned to date in dance class.]
Stephanie: Okay. Hey, D.J., go put on some music.
D.J.: Why do I have to put on some music?
Stephanie: Because your name is D.J. [as in disc jockey].
[D.J. and Stephanie have a plan to get Danny and Karen to have lunch together.]
Danny: [serves each one their lunch] OK, I have everyone's sandwich just the way they want them [so he thinks]: turkey, all white meat [for Joey]; turkey and Swiss [for Jesse]; Swiss, no turkey [for D.J.]; turkey, all dark meat, extra tomato [for himself]; turkey, extra turkey [for Karen]; turkey, half dark meat, half white meat [for Stephanie]; and peanut butter and banana, hold the turkey [for Michelle].
[As soon as Danny's back is turned, everyone starts swapping sandwiches to the right ones – except for Michelle who puts her hands on her sandwich.]
Michelle: This baby is mine.
D.J.: Dad, we saved you a seat right here [gesturing to the chair next to Karen].
Danny: Just a minute, honey. I need to a do a 'pre-rinse' [of the dishes] just before the really big wash after lunch.
D.J.: [to Karen] Isn't he a gem?
Joey: Yeah, he's gonna make some woman a very happy man.
Jesse: Oh yeah. And talk about perfect sandwiches, when he goes down the poultry aisle, all the turkeys are yelling, 'Take me! Take, take me!'
Stephanie: That's why we call him "Mr. Turkey"!
Danny: [comes back to the table] Oh, this is so nice. I can't remember the last time we were all together for a nice Saturday lunch. [As soon as he sits down, everyone else gets up, saying they have other things to do.]
D.J.: Come on, Michelle. Let's go.
Michelle: I have to eat in my room.
Danny: You don't have to eat in your room.
Michelle: D.J. says I do. [D.J. picks her up out of her booster chair, then lights the candle between them, and tells them...]
D.J.: Have a nice lunch. [She then puts on some romantic music as she heads upstairs – leaving Danny and Karen alone.]
Karen: It looks to me like we've been set up here.
[Jesse is tearing his room apart trying to find his keys.]
Jesse: [fed up] This is a joke. Girls, get in here! [And they do so.]
D.J.: What is it?
Jesse: Well, I lost my keys... I gotta meet my band and I'm the only one who can open up the rehearsal hall. Has anyone seen them?
D.J.: Not me.
Stephanie: Not me.
[They turn and look sternly at Michelle; Jesse crosses his arms and D.J. puts her hand on her hip.]
Michelle: What did I do [putting the palms of her hands up (Gallic shrug)]?
Jesse: Alright, show us the loot.
Michelle: OK, OK. I hid this [D.J.'s tape]...
D.J.: Michelle! That's my Milli Vanilli tape!
Stephanie: And you called me a Milli Vanilli thief. I demand an apology.
D.J.: In your dreams!
Stephanie: I accept.
Jesse: Hey, Michelle. While I'm young.
Michelle: Here, Stephie [returning her pen].
Stephanie: Michelle! My sparkle pen! You're old enough to hear this now: How rude!
Michelle: Why does she always say that?
Jesse: Hey, Michelle. I'm growing a beard here. Come on, I'm late. Where are my keys?
Michelle: OK, OK. [She shows him a set of colorful plastic keys.] There. Are you happy now?
Jesse: Yeah, I'd be happy if I were driving a Fisher-Price Harley. [as he picks her up] Come on. Now, we're gonna retrace every step you took today. You got it?
Michelle: You got it, dude [with the thumb sign].
[Danny takes Karen back to her apartment at the end of their date and she invites him in for coffee.]
Danny: I bet you make the perfect cup of [she turns the light on] co... call the police! You've been robbed.
Karen: I haven't been robbed. I've just been busy with dance class, I haven't tidied up in awhile.
Danny: Since when? The '60s?
Karen: So I've been a little behind on my housecleaning. Big deal. [She folds up her sofa bed.] This mess isn't a problem, is it?
Danny : Messy room? A problem for me? No! [He shuts the door.]
Karen: Good, I'll go make some coffee. [And as she does so, he goes to sit on an arm of the sofa but finds out he's sitting on one of her high heels.]
[In the living room...]
D.J.: Please. Just tell me where you hid Uncle Jesse's keys so we can get on with the rest of our lives.
Michelle: I did not hide the keys.
D.J.: I know what'll make you talk. It's time for the tickle rockets. [And appropriately so, she makes a 'rocket' launch with her fingers and also does a launching sound, and tickles her sister.] OK, now where are the keys?
Michelle: I don't know. Tickle me again.
[And D.J. does, when...]
Stephanie: [emerging from the kitchen with a sweet treat] Michelle, look what I have.
Michelle: A Popsicle!
Stephanie: Take a lick. [Michelle does so, and as Stephanie moves the Popsicle from left to right and vice versa..] You can have the rest when you tell us where the keys are.
Michelle: [as she moves her head with the Popsicle] I don't know.
Danny: Why is it that every girl I go out with there's something wrong with her? Maybe it's bad luck. Maybe it's fate.
Jesse: Maybe it's you.
Danny: How could it be me?
Joey: Danny, you're making yourself nuts looking for the perfect woman. There’s no such thing as ‛the perfect woman’.
Danny: Yes, there is. I was married to her.
Jesse: Hey, Pam was my sister, and I loved her very, very much. But, come on, man. She was always late, she spent way too much time in the bathroom. When I was little, she used to hold me down and stick carrots up my nose. Trust me; she wasn’t perfect.
Joey: Danny, she seemed perfect to you, because you loved her.
Jesse: Danny, the bottom line is you're afraid to get close to somebody. So you look for something that's wrong in every girl you go out with.
Danny: I do that?
Jesse: Yes, Mr. 'Her earlobes aren't perfect'. I mean, you gotta starting looking for what's right in people. Otherwise, you're gonna miss out on someone who's gonna make your life a whole lot happier. Think about it. Alright, I gotta go to my rehearsal, I'll see you guys. [And as he's about to leave, he reaches into his pocket...] Where are my keys?
Michelle: [holding them up] Right here. Give me a break.
Jesse: [runs over and grabs them from her] Hey, Michelle. Look! Big Bird! [She turns her head, and he takes a bite of her Popsicle.]
- The episode title likely came from the 1985 film Lust in the Dust
- Karen (Debbie Gregory) also made an appearance in "The Greatest Birthday on Earth" (3.10)
- Song that is played when Stephanie performs her dance routine: "My Prerogative" (1988)
- Goof: When Jesse says goodbye to Joey because he has to go to his rehearsal, Jesse has his black bag in his right hand and his keyboard case is in his left, but in the next shot of Jesse, his items are in opposite places