|Season 5, episode 2|
|Air date||September 24, 1991|
|Next||Take My Sister, Please|
While playing "house", Michelle's friend Teddy asks why she always chooses to be the daddy. They give each other points about each role, and that makes her realize that she does not know what it is like to have a mother, and she says that she needs one (much to the groans of the studio audience).
Michelle talks with Becky who says that she fell in love with Jesse over a candlelight dinner with flowers and soft music – and they kissed goodnight. Michelle asks why nobody kisses Danny, and Becky explains that maybe he spends too much time cleaning and talking too much. All he needs is a lady who is a good listener and needs a housekeeper.
Meanwhile, D.J. is writing an essay for school, and it is titled "What It's Like to Be Someone Else." For this essay, D.J. switches places with Kimmy Gibbler for two days and wears Kimmy's clothes for a change. She even uses Kimmy's attitude (see Quotes), to which Danny remarks that he wants his "little girl" back. But they decide to go with the experiment anyway, and Kimmy remarks that she doesn't do housework, homework, or anything with "work" in the word. (That, of course, would include, well, "yardwork", "schoolwork", etc.)
While she is away, however, Kimmy drives Danny and Stephanie up the wall. On her first day, Kimmy asks Stephanie to go get her a donut (or two), and while Stephanie would normally attend to her sister by getting requested food and drink, she decides to treat Kimmy as the guest--er--pest that she is, and asks her to go get a donut herself (see Quotes).
Elsewhere, when a record label tells Jesse that the band's image is too soft, Jesse and Joey work together to try to come up with a tougher image for the band (as they were in advertising together the past 4 seasons). It starts in disaster when Joey tries a wig on Jesse's head that he rejects but obviously elicits laughter from the audience nonetheless (see Quotes), and ends in disaster during a performance when Jesse finds himself hovering above the stage, hanging from a cable that got stuck when it was trying to lower him to the stage. Becky and Danny are there to see it, and are happy with the performance, with Danny pulling out a lighter and flicking it like any excited fan would. The next day, Jesse and Joey argue about the fiasco, and Joey says the disaster was not his fault, and that the firemen were happy to get Jesse down safely.
Using Becky's chat, Michelle believes that her teacher, Miss Wiltrout, is exactly the woman she is looking for. Michelle is secure in the belief that Danny will do the right thing and marry Miss Wiltrout, who is approximately twice his age. But when Danny tells her that they are just friends, what feels like happiness for her turns into instant sadness as she goes upstairs to her room, leaving him and Miss Wiltrout shocked and speechless, and in more ways than one (as the audience groans over what just happened).
When Danny learns what is going on, he has a talk with Michelle, and he understands where she is coming from. She tells him the obvious, that all her classmates have mothers, and she does not. Danny explains that she had a wonderful mom too, and that she loved Michelle very, very much, despite Michelle being unable to remember all that. He explains that every family is different, and they are no exception after Pam's death; above all, he explains that what makes a family is that they love and care for each other. And this family is no exception, as she has him, Jesse, Joey, and Becky to take care of her, and despite them being her older sisters and attending school just like her, D.J. and Stephanie also love her and take care of her, too. Danny reminds Michelle that he loves her, and she loves him. They hug and then head downstairs to have lunch with Miss Wiltrout (as the audience applauds and the EP credits appear).
June Lockhart – see Double Trouble#Guest star.
[The opening teaser:]
Michelle: D.J., D.J., D.J., wake up!
D.J.: It's Saturday morning. I'm sleeping.
Michelle: Then why are you talking?
D.J.: I'm talking in my sleep. Goodnight [sandwiching her head between her two pillows].
Michelle: You're missing Road Runner cartoons (Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner)! [running around the little table in the room] Meep-meep, meep-meep, meep-meep, meep-meep, meep-meep, meep-meep, meep-meep, meep-meep--
D.J.: [putting her hand out and stopping her sister from continuing] Whoa, Looney Tune! Hey, cut the meeping. Michelle, when you reach a certain age, you're just too mature to waste your Saturday mornings watching cartoons.
[Then suddenly, Joey enters.]
Joey: Michelle, quick! You're missing the Road Runner! Wile E. Coyote just ran off a cliff and he's standing in mid-air. Now, come on, let's go! Because as soon as he looks down, you know it's gonna be: [makes the cartoon sound effect of a long fall to the ground and subsequent crash]
Michelle: How come he doesn't fall until he looks down?
Joey: Because that's how cartoon gravity works. Now, come on, let's go! [He grabs Michelle by the hand and takes her downstairs, and together, they...]
Both: Meep-meep, meep-meep, meep-meep, meep-meep, meep-meep, meep-meep, meep-meep, meep-meep--
D.J. [as she struggles to get out of bed] Oh well, I'm up. [then slowly, as she's still exhausted] Meep...meep, meep...meep. [She too makes her way downstairs to join them.]
Joey: [as Arnold Schwarzenegger, quoting his well-known phrases from the Terminator movies] 'No problemo.' 'Hasta la vista, baby.' 'Consider that a divorce.' 'I'm the party pooper.' [He then exits with his arms out like he has big muscles, but can't fit through the doorway without going sideways.] 'I'll be back.'
[When D.J. mentions her assignment to Danny, he's anxious to know who she's trading places with. Enter...]
Kimmy: ¡Hola, Mr. T!
Stephanie: [noticing the suitcases] Dad, do something. She's got luggage!
Danny: God save us all.
[Joey tries a wig on Jesse for the upcoming concert.]
Joey: [with his back to the camera] Jess, it's macho; it's tough; it's that hard-edge rock n' roll image we've been looking for. I love it. [He moves aside, showing the wigged angry Jesse.]
Jesse: I hate it.
Joey: Come on, Jess, it's totally Nelson (band). [He gives him a mirror to see.]
Jesse: [as he sees himself] Ahhhhh! [He removes the wig.] I look like Cousin Itt!
[In D.J. and Stephanie's room, Stephanie combs Comet's fur as the "trading places" experiment is underway with Kimmy using a tape recorder for the assignment.]
Kimmy: 'What It's Like to Be D.J.: Day 1': I'm about to discover the joy of having a little sister. [to Stephanie] Hey, squirt. Get me two donuts, pronto.
Stephanie: In your dreams.
Kimmy: Don't you get it, kid? I'm the big sister. I gave you a direct order, now snap to it!
Stephanie: Excuse me, Comet. [As he leaps onto her bed, she turns her attention to her new "big sister".] Gibbler, let me tell you how this "sister" thing works: You're a pain in my neck, and I'm a pain in yours. It's a jungle in here! So, if you want a donut, you march your little bird-legs down to the kitchen and get it yourself. [Kimmy is shocked.] Go ahead, I'll time you. Ready? Go. [Kimmy just stands there.] Go! You're losing time! [With those words, her "big sister" quickly goes downstairs to the kitchen for her donuts, as Stephanie turns her attention back to her companion.] Comet, there goes one human you're smarter than.
[As Stephanie prepares for bed, her worst nightmare enters the room. She quickly heads into the closet and closes the door behind her.]
Kimmy: Hey, little sis. You know what I learned from trading places with D.J.? There's no other person I'd rather be than me... except maybe Madonna, because she's really rich. Or maybe Julia Roberts. People say I look just like her.
Stephanie: [from inside the closet] Kimmy, I'm in the closet! I've closed the door! Does that mean anything to you?!
Kimmy: Yeah, I should talk louder.
[Then, her best friend comes home from trading places with her, wearing her clothes.]
D.J.: ¡Hola, amiga!
Kimmy: Hey, I like your outfit.
D.J.: You should, it's yours.
[She opens the door and finds her younger sister/roommate inside.]
Stephanie: [getting out] D.J., you're back! [looks suspiciously at the clothing] What have the Gibblers done to you?
D.J.: Nothing. I'm just trying to get the total Kimmy experience. Now, back out, squirt. I just came back to get my skates. [to Kimmy] You didn't tell me it was roller derby night at your house. It's me and your dad vs. your mom and your brother in the ultimate grudge match race. No holds barred, no time limit.
Kimmy: Watch out for my mom. She hides an egg beater in her pants.
D.J.: Got it. You know, Kimmy, it's kinda fun being you. [Her dad enters, and she goes into "Kimmy" mode with him.] Hey, Mr. T. Pretty sharp sweater. [She leaves, but stops for a second.] Not! [Then she really leaves.]