|Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Girl Gone?|
|Season 5, episode 4|
|Air date||October 8, 1991|
|Previous||Take My Sister, Please|
|Next||The King and I|
Todd Mitchell, one of high school freshman D.J.'s schoolmates, is spreading a false rumor around school that she is the worst kisser in the school. It is Todd's way of getting even with D.J. for refusing to let him kiss her on the way home from the library. D.J. shows Kimmy a sympathy card that she got from Kathy Santoni, who, on the card, refers to the situation as a "mega crisis."
Later, under the guise of collecting dirty clothes to take downstairs to the laundry room, Danny goes upstairs to D.J.'s new room while she is not there, and he finds the card. The term "mega crisis" arouses Danny's curiosity, and he wants to know what D.J.'s mega crisis is. At a bowling alley, Danny is spending some time with D.J. when Kimmy shows up and takes her to the mall, where Todd is continuing to spread the rumor.
At home, Danny slips up and mentions "mega crisis," indicating to D.J. that he had seen the card. A furious D.J. believes that Danny's snooping was uncalled for. After an argument, and after his semi-independent daughter calls him out for not following the new "rule #2" (Always knock before entering) as well as the still-used "rule #1" (Never touch her stuff), Danny apologizes for the snooping, and an apologetic D.J. explains that she did not mean to make him feel hurt. D.J. helps him realize that she is not a little girl anymore; she is growing up now (and is, of all things, a "young woman" (something she feels he's completely forgotten), and no longer needs his help with every problem she ever has anymore, because she can work out a lot of those problems on her own (such as the one from last time regarding her and Stephanie always remaining soulmates, sisters, and friends to the end, despite the fact she has her own room now). D.J. assures Danny that if she ever has a problem that she can't handle, she will come to him with it, just like she always did when she was a kid. Danny says that he will be there for her. D.J. then tells Danny that at the mall, she and Kimmy confronted Todd. Kimmy got him in a headlock, and D.J. used a squirt bottle of mustard to force Todd to tell everyone the truth. Danny is amused by that, and he takes the opportunity to remark that mustard stains "are murder to get out" of clothes.
Meanwhile, Jesse and Joey are no longer in the advertising business because Jesse has decided to concentrate more on his music, and Joey has decided to concentrate more on his comedy. Jesse turns his and Joey's office, which used to be the garage and then Joey's bedroom, into a soundproof recording studio, and after the studio is finished, Jesse and Joey accidentally end up locked up in it. Michelle comes by to check it out, as well as his equipment and instruments. He entertains her with "ABC" from the Jackson 5 and "Respect" from Aretha Franklin.
And speaking of Michelle herself, her belongings, from her pencil bed (which takes the place of Stephanie's old bed) to her Barney the Bear wall hanging, are moved as she goes through the process of taking D.J.'s place as Stephanie's roommate, as Stephanie takes D.J.'s old bed, as well as the desk and chair right next to it. To alleviate the pain, Stephanie invites her into the Big Girls' Club, even going so far as to teach her its short, but simple, song (see "Quotes" below). Stephanie also somehow has to accept the hanging in her room, whether she likes it or not. At first, when she gets Michelle into the Big Girls' Club, the condition was that Barney the Bear had to go, likewise Michelle said that Mr. Bear had to go as well. Stephanie is not happy with that and is quick to put a stop to it, again mentioning that "Mr. Bear is not a toy. He's a member of the family." Michelle said that Barney "keeps the monsters away", to which Stephanie remarks that "there are no monsters" (not in the closet, and not even under their beds). Michelle adds if Mr. Bear stays, Barney stays as well, and Stephanie accepts. However, their remaining baby stuff (not mentioned) has to go. Initially, when Michelle brought Barney into her new room, Stephanie decided that it deserved to be in the closet, "so he can hibernate all winter". However, as always, the new roommate has just one rule to follow: Stephanie's the boss at all times, as she now takes the role of older sister in their room.
- The episode title is a take on the nursery rhyme/song "Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone?" (originally titled "Der Deitcher's Dog")
- The photo of D.J.'s younger self, as seen in the season four opening credits, is shown as she places it on the mantle and poses by it
- Danny's remark to D.J. of "invading Normandy" is a reference to the World War II event known as D-Day
- Starting with this episode, Stephanie takes D.J.'s old bed, while Michelle's pencil bed is put in place of Stephanie's old bed (though it is unknown what became of it)
D.J.: This bad kisser thing could ruin my social life forever. Just how far has this rumor gone?
Kimmy: Hard to say. I heard it from my Algebra teacher.
[Meanwhile, in Stephanie and Michelle's new room...]
Stephanie: Living on this side of the room is gonna be so cool. I got the cool window, the cool closet, and the cool mirror to look at my cool self. [she waves to her reflection in her mirror]
Michelle: I'm cool too. Look at this. [she holds up her Barney the Bear wall hanging]
Stephanie: You're not hanging up Barney the Bear in my room.
Michelle: It's my room too.
Stephanie: Yes it is, and I have the perfect spot to hang Barney: Right inside the closet, where he can hibernate all winter. [she puts Barney inside her closet]
Michelle: Hey, is this a trick?
Stephanie: Michelle, booby, baby. Would I trick you?
Michelle: Yes you would. And don't call me "booby". [she gets Barney back out of the closet]
Danny: [walking in] Hey girls. Steph, did you happen to hear DJ mention anything that might be bothering her?
Stephanie: Dad, I live with a kindergarten kid now. The only hot rumors I hear are, "Who put their mouth on the water fountain?"
Michelle: Daddy, could you put Barney over my bed?
Danny: Aww, you bet I can, honey. I will tack him up right over here where nobody can miss him. [talking like Barney the Bear] Oh, careful, Danny, careful, Danny, careful, oh thank you Danny, that was good.
Michelle: Don't you think Barney looks cool?
Danny: [leaving the room] The coolest.
Michelle: I know some tricks too, booby.
D.J.: Kimmy, we need a plan. We have to get people to stop saying I’m a bad kisser.
Kimmy: I’ve got it. Just make out with every guy in school until they change their minds.
[Meanwhile, in Stephanie and Michelle's new room, again...]
Stephanie: [looking suspiciously at Barney the Bear] I can't take it! That thing keeps looking at me!
Michelle: That's because he likes you.
Stephanie: Michelle, here's a fun idea. How would you like to be in a Big Girls' Club?
Michelle: I'm a big girl; I should be in that club.
Stephanie: You're gonna love it; it's got a secret song and everything.
Michelle: Ooh, how does it go?
Stephanie: Um...[she starts singing and dancing] "I'm a big girl, you're a big girl, yaddi, yaddi, yaddi, yaddi, ya."
Michelle: I like the little dance.
Stephanie: Now, all we have to do to get in the Big Girls' Club, is get rid of all of our baby stuff.
Michelle: Uh oh, you mean Barney, don't you?
Stephanie: There's nothing more babyish than a toy bear.
Michelle: Well, okay. Nice knowing you, Barney.
Stephanie: I know this is painful, so I'll get rid of Barney for you.
Michelle: And I'll get rid of Mr. Bear for you.
Stephanie: [upon hearing those words] Freeze! Drop the bear. Now step away slowly. [Michelle does as she's told]
Michelle: You said no toy bears in the Big Girls' Club.
Stephanie: But Mr. Bear is not a toy. He's a member of the family.
Michelle: So is Barney. He keeps the monsters away.
Stephanie: There are no monsters in here.
Michelle: See? He's doing a good job.
Stephanie: [sighing] Okay, bears stay.
Michelle: Are we still in the Big Girls' Club?
Stephanie: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Michelle: Yeah! [Singing and dancing]: "I'm a big girl, you're a big girl, yaddi, yaddi, yaddi, yaddi, ya." I can't hear you.
Both: [singing and dancing] "I'm a big girl, you're a big girl, yaddi, yaddi, yaddi, yaddi, ya."
Michelle: One more time! [they both sing and dance again:] "I'm a big girl, you're a big girl, yaddi, yaddi, yaddi, yaddi, ya."
[Back at the house with Danny looking at a photo of D.J. when she was younger...]
D.J.: [walking in] Hi Dad.
Danny: Hi Deej. Was, uh, everything all right at the mall?
D.J.: Yeah, fine.
Danny: Uh, Deej, don't you think we should talk?
D.J.: Okay, so how did you bowl?
Danny: No, not about that. I mean, what's going on with you. I know you're having some kind of problem.
D.J.: Dad, give me a break; it's no big deal.
Danny: Hey, since when's a mega-crisis nothing?
D.J.: Mega-crisis?! Where did you get that?
Danny: Oh, I, uh, don't know. It just kind of popped into my head just now.
D.J.: You mean, you just popped into my sock drawer and went through my personal property. How could you do that?!
Danny: Deej, it was an accident. I was putting away your laundry.
DJ.: It's not Monday. You were spying on me, and you know it.
Danny: What was I supposed to do? You wouldn't even talk to me.
D.J. : Maybe, it was none of your business. What's next, are you going to bug my phone?! [she runs upstairs]
Danny: [following her] Hey, I don't like that tone, young lady!
D.J.: Well, I don't like you invading my privacy.
Danny: I'm your father; I'll invade Normandy if I want to.
D.J.: Look, just stay out of my sock drawer and stay out of my life.
Danny: You get back here right now D.J.
D.J.: I can't wait to get out of this house.
Danny: Hold it right there. I'm not through talking to you.
D.J.: Well, I'm through listening.
[Later, in D.J.'s new room...]
D.J.: [when Danny comes in her room without knocking] You see? You don’t even knock! You have no respect for my personal space.
Danny: Don’t you dare tell me about respect! You’re yellin’ and slammin’ doors. What happened to my sweet little girl?
D.J.: Don’t you get it?! I’m not your little girl anymore!
Danny: Oh. OK.
D.J.: I’m sorry.
Danny: I’m sorry, too.
D.J.: Dad, I don’t mean to hurt your feelings. I just mean that I’m growing up. I don’t need to come to you with every single little problem.
Danny: Why not? You used to tell me everything.
D.J.: That’s when I was a kid. When you were my age, did you tell your parents everything?
Danny: No. They were old. [sees D.J.’s look] They were... my age.
D.J.: Look, Dad, if there’s some serious problem that I can’t handle, I’m gonna come to you, just like I always did.
Danny: And I’ll be here for you, Deej.
D.J.: I know you will, Dad. I love you.
Danny: I love you too. [they hug] I’m sorry. I should’ve never read that card. Besides, switching laundry day threw off my whole cleaning schedule.
D.J.: So you really want to know about my mega crisis?
Danny: Hey, I don’t wanna pry. I’m dying to know. (sits down on a footstool while D.J. is sitting on her new bed]
D.J.: Well, see, I got this rep as the worst kisser in the school.
Danny: Oh, thank God. [sighs in relief]
D.J.: Dad, that is not a good thing!
Danny: [realizes that she’s right] Oh, right – that’s bad, right.
D.J.: See, I never even kissed this guy, but he started spreading this ugly rumor. So Kimmy and I tracked him down at the mall. Kimmy got him in a headlock, and I threatened him with a squirt bottle of mustard until he told everybody the truth.
Danny: [laughs a little] Well, he did the right thing. You know, those stubborn mustard stains are murder to get out.