|Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Girl Gone?|
|Season 5, episode 4|
|Air date||October 8, 1991|
|Previous||Take My Sister, Please|
|Next||The King and I|
Todd Mitchell, one of high school freshman D.J.'s schoolmates, is spreading a false rumor about D.J. being the worst kisser around school. It is Todd's way of getting even with D.J. for refusing to let him kiss her on the way home from the library. As she shows off her new room, D.J. shows Kimmy a sympathy card that she got from Kathy Santoni, who, on the card, refers to the situation as a "mega crisis."
Later, under the guise of collecting dirty clothes to take downstairs to the laundry room, Danny goes upstairs to D.J.'s new room while she is not there, and he finds the card. The term "mega crisis" arouses Danny's curiosity, and he wants to know what D.J.'s mega crisis is. At a bowling alley, Danny is spending some time with D.J. when Kimmy shows up and takes her to the mall, where Todd is continuing to spread the rumor.
At home, Danny slips up and mentions "mega crisis," indicating to D.J. that he had seen the card. A furious D.J. believes that Danny's snooping was uncalled for, calling it an obvious invasion of her privacy and running upstairs. However, he responds that if he can invade Normandy (see Trivia), he can invade her privacy if he wants to. After an argument, and after his semi-independent daughter calls him out for not following the new "rule #2" (Always knock before entering) as well as the still-used "rule #1" (Never touch her stuff), Danny apologizes for the snooping, and an apologetic D.J. explains that she did not mean to make him feel hurt. D.J. helps him realize (as the inspirational music plays) that she is not a little girl anymore; she is growing up now, and is, of all things, a "young woman" (something she feels he's completely forgotten), and no longer needs his help with every problem she ever has anymore, because she can work out a lot of those problems on her own (such as the one from last time regarding her and Stephanie always remaining soulmates, sisters, and friends, despite the fact she has her own room now). D.J. assures Danny that if she ever has a problem that she can't handle, she will come to him with it, just like she always did when she was a kid. Danny says that he will be there for her, and they hug. D.J. then tells Danny that at the mall, she and Kimmy confronted Todd. Kimmy got him in a headlock, and D.J. used a squirt bottle of mustard to force Todd to tell everyone the truth. Danny is amused by that, and he takes the opportunity to remark that mustard stains on clothes "are murder to get out". As they leave her room (and the music stops), they decide that even though she is busy, they should spend some quality time together, and D.J. decides the best idea is to go out and get some frozen yogurt. She also mentions that she wants to drive, as she is getting her learner's permit, but he decides to drive, and she can turn on the radio. They then head off for the sweet treats (as the studio audience applauds).
Meanwhile, Jesse and Joey are no longer in the advertising business because Jesse has decided to concentrate more on his music, and Joey has decided to concentrate more on his comedy. Jesse turns his and Joey's office, which used to be the garage and then Joey's bedroom, into a soundproof recording studio, and after the studio is finished, Jesse and Joey accidentally end up locked up in it. They ram the door, allowing the "recording" red light to dim, and them to exit. Michelle comes by to check it out, as well as his equipment and instruments. He entertains her with "ABC" from the Jackson 5 and "Respect" from Aretha Franklin.
And speaking of Michelle herself, her belongings, from her pencil bed (which takes the place of Stephanie's old bed) to her Barney the Bear wall hanging, are moved as she goes through the process of taking D.J.'s place as Stephanie's roommate, as Stephanie takes D.J.'s old bed, as well as the desk and chair right next to it. To alleviate the pain, Stephanie invites her into the Big Girls' Club, even going so far as to teach her its short, but simple, song and dance ("I'm a big girl, you're a big girl, yaddi, yaddi, yaddi, yaddi, ya."). Stephanie also somehow has to accept the hanging in her room, whether she likes it or not. At first, when she gets Michelle into the Big Girls' Club, the condition was that Barney the Bear had to go, likewise Michelle said that Mr. Bear had to go as well. Hearing the latter words, Stephanie is not too happy with that and is quick to put a stop to it, again mentioning that "Mr. Bear is not a toy. He's a member of the family." Michelle said that Barney "keeps the monsters away", to which Stephanie remarks that "there are no monsters" (not in the closet, and not even under their beds). Michelle adds if Mr. Bear stays, Barney stays as well, and Stephanie accepts. However, their remaining baby stuff (not mentioned) has to go. Initially, when Michelle brought Barney into her new room, Stephanie decided that it deserved to be in the closet, "so he can hibernate all winter". Michelle, not too happy with that, asks Danny to put Barney near her bed, and he does so while doing his best impression ("Oh careful, Danny. Careful, Danny. Careful...oh, thank you, Danny! That was good."). However, as always, the new roommate has just one rule to follow: Stephanie's the boss at all times, as she now takes the role of older sister in their room.
- The episode title is a take on the nursery rhyme/song "Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone?" (originally titled "Der Deitcher's Dog")
- The photo of D.J.'s younger self, as seen in the season four opening credits, is shown as she places it on the mantle and poses by it (in reality, the picture is that of a younger Candace Cameron
- The last episode to use the season four intro, as the first three episodes also used it so as to avoid giving away the new room (featuring D.J. typing at her computer)
- Danny's remark to D.J. of "invading Normandy" is a reference to the World War II event known as D-Day
- Starting with this episode, Stephanie takes D.J.'s old bed, while Michelle's pencil bed is put in place of Stephanie's old bed (though it is unknown what became of it)
D.J.: This bad kisser thing could ruin my social life forever. Just how far has this rumor gone?
Kimmy: Hard to say. I heard it from my Algebra teacher.
D.J.: Kimmy, we need a plan. We have to get people to stop saying I’m a bad kisser.
Kimmy: I’ve got it. Just make out with every guy in school until they change their minds.
D.J.: So you really want to know about my mega crisis?
Danny: Hey, I don’t wanna pry. I’m dying to know. [sits down on a footstool while D.J. is sitting on her new bed]
D.J.: Well, see, I got this rep as the worst kisser in the school.
Danny: Oh, thank God. [sighs in relief]
D.J.: Dad, that is not a good thing!
Danny: [realizes that she’s right] Oh, right – that’s bad, right.
D.J.: See, I never even kissed this guy, but he started spreading this ugly rumor. So Kimmy and I tracked him down at the mall. Kimmy got him in a headlock, and I threatened him with a squirt bottle of mustard until he told everybody the truth.
Danny: [laughs a little] Well, he did the right thing. You know, those stubborn mustard stains are murder to get out.