This is a transcript of the Full House premiere episode, "Our Very First Show".
Scene 1: In the living room
Claire is about to leave...
Claire: If you need me, I'm on the next plane.
Danny: Aw, thank you, Mom.
D.J. & Stephanie: Bye, Grandma.
Danny: Bye, Mom.
D.J. & Stephanie: Bye.
Claire: Oh, my angels!
Stephanie: Grandma, don't leave!
Claire: I love you. Goodbye, sweetheart.
Stephanie: Goodbye, Grandma.
Claire: Bye. Bye.
D.J., Steph, Danny: Bye
Danny: Okay! Are we going to have fun or what? (D.J. & Stephanie frown) Hey, hey, hey! Let's see some smiles. Everything is going to work out super great. Your Uncle Jesse is moving in; my best friend Joey is moving in, and you know what that means... That means that you two are going to get to be roommates. Isn't that exciting?
Stephanie: I can wear all D.J.'s clothes!
D.J.: Do I have to share my room with her?
Danny: Honey, it's going to be just like having a slumber party.
D.J.: Yeah, with only one guest... who never leaves!
Jesse: Hey! Look alive! Uncle Jesse's here!
D.J. & Stephanie: Uncle Jesse!
Jesse: (imitating the girls) Uncle Jesse! (in his normal voice) All right! Hello! D.J., how you doing? That tooth come in yet?
Jesse: That's okay; one less to brush.
Danny: Hey, Jesse!
Danny: You missed breakfast. Where have you been?
Jesse: Yeah, I'm sorry. Last night, after my gig at The Smash Club, I go for a cruise on my Harley, right? Next thing I know, I'm in Reno. It was dark – who would have known? Then, I happened to wander into this show, Razzle Dazzle '87 – much better than Razzle Dazzle '86, by the way. And I see this incredible showgirl Vanessa, right? Our eyes meet. (Danny looks at the girls, concerned at what they might be hearing) Ba-boom, this lightning bolt of passion shoots across the casino. Turns out, Vanessa is on her way to the Philippines to do a Bob Hope special and is dying for one last night of good old American...
Danny: Food, food! She was hungry, right?
Jesse: Oh yeah. She was starving. Only we never got a chance to, uh, "eat," because she had to turn her feathers in.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, let's play Ballerina.
Jesse: Uncle Jesse doesn't want to play ballerina.
Stephanie: Yes he does...
Jesse: No he doesn't...
Stephanie: Yes he does...
Jesse: No he doesn't!
Stephanie: (pretending to cry) Yes he does.
Jesse: How do you play ballerina?
Jesse: Okay, that was fun.
Stephanie: Here's more fun. Catch me! Spin me around! On your tippy-toes.
Jesse: Tippy-toes. All right.
Stephanie: You need practice. We'll do this everyday.
Joey enters carrying a pile of laundry, and makes a noise, imitating a trumpet
D.J.: Hi, Joey.
Joey: Hi, gang.
Danny: Oh, Joey, buddy. This is the best; you're moving in! (Danny takes the pile of laundry from Joey)
Joey: Thanks, Danny. This works out so perfect. I move into a place with a washing machine on the exact day I run out of clean clothes. (Danny drops the pile of laundry, which he now knows to be dirty) Jesse, long time no see. Now be honest. Did you ever think we'd end up being roommates?
Jesse: Not once.
Joey: I love this guy. Danny, there's no way all my stuff will fit into a room this tiny.
Danny: Joey, this is not a tiny room. This is a large alcove. In fact, this is a large alcove that you're living in for free.
Joey: You know, now that I take a close look at it, it's enormous... 'normous... 'normous... We are gonna have so much fun, aren't we, kids? (imitates Popeye's laugh)
D.J.: Do you think we could catch grandma at the airport?
Scene 2: Entering Jesse's new room
Danny: Nice, huh? Roomy. (Jesse looks at the pink bunnies on the wall) Not overly masculine.
Jesse: Oh golly, it's swell. You know what would look great over here by the window? Barbie's dream house.
Danny: We've got one. Look, Jesse, I just want you to know that having you and Joey here really means a lot to me. Just knowing somebody's here who cares about the girls. You know, they're so happy you're here. Oh, God bless you! (Danny hugs Jesse)
Jesse: You're hugging me in a room with pink bunnies.
Danny: Oh, sorry. I'm an emotional guy. Okay, let's face it. I'm a lean, mean, hugging machine.
Jesse: Okay. Danny, listen; Pam was my big sister, and I loved her very much, and I love your kids, and I'm happy to do what I can. (Danny hugs Jesse again) Aah, you're hugging me again. Now listen; you and me, we'll sit down; we'll set aside a special time for hugging. But not now. (Jesse opens the closet, and sees that the closet rack is too low) Oh great, I live in Webster's room!
Scene 3: D.J. and Stephanie's new bedroom
D.J.: Rule number one: never touch my stuff. You should be taking notes. Rule number two: never set foot in my half of the room.
Stephanie: How do I get out of here?
D.J.: Easy. You jump off the window and climb down the tree.
Stephanie: I don't think so.
D.J.: Suit yourself.
Stephanie: I'll find a way out... (Stephanie climbs onto the window curtain)
Danny and Jesse enter the room
Danny: Stephanie, what are you doing?
Stephanie: Just hanging around.
Danny: Come on, honey, get down from there.
Joey: (seeing the yellow barrier tied across the room) All right! Limbo. Dika-laka-puka... dika-laka-puka... dika-laka-puka... no way.
D.J.: This is a nightmare.
Danny: Uh, D.J., honey, I told you everything is gonna work out super great. I'm sorry. I've got to get down to the station. Try to watch my sports report this afternoon. Today starts my special two-part series entitled, "Boxers: Highly Skilled Athletes or Bullies in Shorts?"
Scene 4: In Michelle's nursery
Michelle is crying.
Joey: (in a baby's voice) Oh, Michelle, little baby waby. What's the matter? Uncle Jesse, what are we gonna do?
Jesse: First, we stop talking like a munchkin. (Michelle continues to cry) Hey, shut up!
Joey: Wait, I'll handle this. I'm a comic; it's my non-paying job to cheer people up. (imitating Kermit the Frog) Uh, Michelle, it's me, Kermit the Frog. Now, uh, you don't want to cry, do ya? (Michelle continues to cry) Wait, she'll love it. I call it, "The Sprinkler." (Joey drinks water, and starts to spit it out, like a sprinkler. Meanwhile, Jesse grabs a little umbrella and covers Michelle) Tough room. Jesse, what if she needs to be... uh... changed?
Jesse: Check it out. Go.
Joey: (looking at the inside of the diaper) We have a winner. Now what?
Jesse: Joseph. Put yourself in her place. What would you want done?
Joey: I've never changed a diaper.
Jesse: Me neither. At least you touched one. All right, look out; I'll show you how it's done. (to Michelle) Come here, child. You believe this guy? (to Joey) All right, make yourself useful.
Joey: I'll take the south end.
Jesse and Joey walk out of the room, head down the stairs, into the front room, and then into the kitchen.
Joey & Jesse: Step one, step two, step one, step two, step one, step two, step one, step two.
Jesse: Okay, good. Look out. Okay, keep it coming.
Stephanie: (in the front room) Showtime!
Joey: (in the kitchen) Where will we put the baby?
Jesse: Where will we put the child?
Joey: Uh... the pot. Over here.
Jesse: Whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa! Joey, this is a living thing. You don't just stick it in a pot... Use a meat rack.
Joey: I'm an idiot.
Jesse: Uh, come on.
Jesse: All right, good.
Joey: All right, great.
Jesse: Settle down here; here we go.
Stephanie: Are you gonna cook Michelle?
Joey: We're changing her diaper.
Stephanie: Oh, then how do you roast a turkey?
Jesse: Steph! Joey and I are busy. Joey, strip her. All right, careful there. You're in control. All right, slide it off and... ugh!
Joey: Uh... uh... (puts the dirty diaper into a plastic bowl and covers the bowl)
Jesse: Good thinking, Joey, keep it fresh.
Joey: Okay, hold her up; I'll clean her off.
Jesse: Good idea. Come on, Michelle, all right. (Joey tries to shoot water at Michelle to clean her off...) You're missing! You're missing! You're missing! All right now, come on, gently now, gently now, gently... There we go. This is great; we should be mothers.
Joey: Oh, yeah.
Jesse: All right, let's dry her up.
Joey: Okay. Fan her. Fan her fanny. Fan her fanny.
Joey: You know these babies have it made? I would kill for this kind of service.
Jesse: All right, diapers.
Joey: Diaper... diaper
Jesse: Where are diapers?
Joey: Diapers, diapers...
Joey: (holding up a roll of paper towels) Hey, super absorbent.
Jesse: Bring it over. Okay, now what?
Joey: Okay, spin her.
Jesse: Spin her.
Joey: Spin her.
Jesse: Spin her. All right, now, wrap her up in this, come on. Put her right in here. It's too easy.
Joey: Works for me.
Stephanie: Not bad, but next time try these. (Stephanie holds the diapers)
Jesse: Steph, why did you wait till now to give us the diapers?
Stephanie: Nobody asked me.
Scene 5: In the living room
Danny has just come home from work...
Danny: Hey guys, how'd it go today with – whoa! What happened? What's with all the dirty baby clothes?
The doorbell rings
Joey: I'm sorry, but every time we fed her, she'd drool, or dribble, or spit up.
Jesse: Your baby's a pig.
Jesse opens the door, and Vanessa is sitting in the doorway
Vanessa: Hi, Jesse.
Jesse: Vanessa, have mercy. I thought you were supposed to go to the Philippines with Bob Hope.
Vanessa: Oh, well, I am, but the airport's fogged in. So, is that offer to stay with you any time still good?
Jesse: Oh, it's more than good. It's... uh... amazing!
Stephanie: Hi, Uncle Jesse. Ready for more ballerina?
Jesse: Uh... we'll play later, okay?
Stephanie: Okay... it's later! Catch me! Ohh!
Jesse: Listen; why don't you go upstairs and play ballerina with your big sister.
Stephanie: I can't. She moved out.
Danny: Stephanie, honey, what do you mean, "She moved out"?
Stephanie: She's gone. She rolled up her crepe paper and took off.
Danny: Okay, everybody, follow me.
Danny, Joey, Jesse, and Stephanie are in D.J.'s bedroom, where everything is indeed gone
Danny: You lost my daughter? I went to work for seven hours, and you lost thirty-three percent of my children? Joey, call the police. Jesse, start driving around our neighborhood. I'm gonna call up D.J.'s friends.
Stephanie: And I'll go get D.J.
Danny: Stephanie, honey.
Stephanie: Yes, daddy?
Danny: Sweetheart, do you know where D.J. is?
Danny: Why didn't you say something sooner?
Stephanie: Nobody asked me.
Scene 6: Into the garage
D.J. is on the telephone with Kimmy Gibbler.
Danny: D.J., can I talk to you?
D.J.: (on the telephone) Kimmy, hang on. (to Danny) I'm talking to Kimmy Gibbler. She called me on her own phone from her own room. She has three sisters.
Danny: D.J., you don't want to live in the garage. It's filthy... it's stuffy...
D.J.: You want some fresh air? (D.J. opens the garage door)
Danny: (in a firm voice) Donna Jo, I want you back inside right now this instant. (in a milder voice) Is that okay?
D.J.: No thank you, dad. (on the telephone) So Kimmy, where were we?
Jesse: (to Danny) Nice job, dad. You've been reading Cosby's book?
Joey: Cosby? I'll handle this. (imitating Bill Cosby, talking to D.J.) Hello there, small child- like person. Mmha... ha... ha... If you move back into the house, you can have a big, juicy bowl of jello. Mmha... ha... ha... ha... ha... ha.
D.J.: (on the telephone) No, Kimmy, that's not really him. I'll call you later.
Stephanie enters the garage.
Stephanie: Daddy, the baby's crying. She's got that thirsty look in her eyes.
Stephanie goes back upstairs again.
Danny: Okay, honey. I'll be right up. Joey, would you mind warming up the baby's bottle?
Joey: Well, not at all. Although with this particular baby, it might be simpler just to pour the formula directly into the diaper. Well, think about it.
Joey leaves to warm up the baby's bottle
Jesse: All right, D.J.'s all set and I got Vanessa upstairs waiting, so best of luck to both of you.
Danny: No, look, Jesse, look; I got to go check on the baby; won't you just stay here with D.J.? Talk to her; I'll be right back. You're her uncle – try to be parental, or something.
Danny walks upstairs.
Jesse: Parental. That's cool. I can be parental. I got parents. (Jesse taps D.J.'s shoulder)
D.J.: Can I help you?
Jesse: Yes. You can move your little bod back in the house. Look, D.J., I don't blame you for wanting your own room. But you got to understand; this world's not a perfect place. Bruce Willis has a record deal. But then a Vanessa shows up at your door, and it all evens out. You know what I'm saying?
Jesse: Good, so you'll move back in?
Jesse: Nah! All right, I'll speak the language you understand. Five bucks if you'll move back.
Jesse: A buck? You went down a buck?
D.J.: Okay, it's back up to fifty.
Jesse: All right, my final offer: twenty bucks.
D.J.: Twenty-one. Vanessa's waiting...
Scene 7: In the living room
Joey is putting his things away in the alcove.
Jesse: All right, D.J. is moving back in.
Danny: She is? That's fantastic! What did you do?
Jesse: I have a very special way with kids.
Jesse starts to go upstairs.
Danny: Uh, Jesse, hang on. Vanessa's not upstairs.
Jesse comes back downstairs.
Jesse: Where's Vanessa?
Danny: Well, uh...
Stephanie: She's history.
Jesse covers Stephanie's ears.
Jesse: What the hell did you do with Vanessa?
Danny: I didn't do anything with her. I just told her that with three little girls in the house, I thought it would be better if she slept on the couch. And she left.
Jesse: You hate me, don't you.
D.J. enters the room
Jesse: Whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa. Vanessa is gone. The deal is off. I want my money back.
Danny: What money?
D.J.: The money Uncle Jesse paid me to move back in.
Danny: That's your special way with children? You buy them off?
Jesse: It works. Kid, money.
D.J.: Fine, I have other sources of income. I'll go back to my new room and have a garage sale.
Danny: D.J., wait. D.J.. (to Jesse) Here, take Michelle. (to Stephanie) Come with me, honey.
Jesse: (looking at Michelle) Don't even think about it.
Scene 8: In the kitchen
Danny: D.J., honey, I can't let you have a garage sale.
D.J.: What if I give you ten percent of the profits?
Danny: D.J., come here. Can't you just try sharing your room with your sister? Your mom was always so good at this stuff. I'd come home from work, and everything was always perfect. D.J., how would mom have handled this?
D.J.: She would have caught me before I moved into the garage. Mom knew everything I did before I did it.
Danny: What is it, honey?
D.J.: It's just not fair. First, I lose my mom; then, grandma leaves; now, I even lose my own room? Everything keeps disappearing.
Danny: I know exactly how you feel. And I know how much you girls miss your mother, because I miss her too, very much. But you still got me.
Stephanie: You got me, too.
Danny: You got Michelle, and you have your Uncle Jesse and Joey. D.J., we're still a family, and now is when we really need to stick together. D.J., you and I, we go back a long time – ten years. The ten happiest years of my life. So look; it's up to you. Either you move back inside, or all five of us are moving into the garage. But nothing is gonna break up this team.
D.J.: I'll move back in.
Danny: I love you, angel. You too, little ballerina.
Scene 9: In the living room
Jesse: Hey, Michelle. Michelle. Can you say, "Uncle Jesse"?
Jesse: That's it; you said it. You said, "Uncle Jesse." (Danny, D.J., and Stephanie enter) Starting tomorrow, you use the toilet just like the rest of us.
D.J.: Good news. Uncle Jesse, our deal's back on. (Jesse starts to take out money) It's okay; I'll put it on your tab.
Jesse: All right.
Danny: Aw. Is this great, or what? These girls are crazy about you.
Jesse: Oh, sure. I dance around; I give them money.
Michelle: Uh... uh...
Jesse: Now what's the problem?
Danny: Oh, there's no problem. She's singing. Michelle loves music.
Joey: Music? I'll handle this... (Joey starts to sing) Ooh... Flintstones... Meet the Flintstones.
Joey & Jesse: (singing) They're a modern stone-age family.
Jesse: Everybody, sing along!
Everybody: (singing) From the... town of Bedrock, they're a page right out of history.
Jesse: Let's take a walk.
Everybody: (singing) Let's ride... with the family down the street. Through the... courtesy of Fred's two feet...
*** End ***
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