|Season 4, episode 11|
|Air date||December 7, 1990|
|Previous||Terror in Tanner Town|
|Next||Danny in Charge|
Meanwhile, D.J. has fallen for Ricky, the paperboy. Danny pays for the paper (see Quotes), and D.J. throws in a tip. That causes Rusty to think that the two are in love, but D.J.'s not happy about it, even though Cindy and Danny are (see Quotes).
In any event, that gives Rusty the idea for his latest prank. Upstairs in D.J. and Stephanie's room, he type-writes a love letter, and plans to make D.J. think it is from Ricky. He then asks Michelle to deliver it (see Quotes).
The prank backfires when Michelle gives the letter to Stephanie instead (see Quotes). She hides the letter in the laundry basket (see Quotes), as Joey comes up with some laundry for Cindy, adding that he left a note for her (see Quotes). Becky comes in with a bowl of Jell-O for the feast, and Danny has for her some notes for tomorrow's Wake Up, San Francisco (see Quotes). Then, Jesse comes home, and he and Becky kiss as she hides the letter in a book (see Quotes). At that moment, Kimmy comes downstairs, and Jesse has a surprise for her that also shocks Michelle (see Quotes). As Jesse asks for more things for the BBQ, he picks up the letter that shocks him and Michelle.
Back in reality, Jesse realizes he got the wrong pickles (see Quotes), and instead of going back to the store, Danny eventually decides to call for pickles instead. Kimmy tells Becky no matter what, she'll always want them to be friends, and Becky accepts.
Upstairs in her room, Michelle is sitting in her rocking chair reading, when Rusty comes in and asks if the mission is complete, and it is... for now (see Quotes).
Across the hall in their room, Stephanie tells D.J. that she can't believe that Rusty would write her a love letter, and D.J. is just as shocked (see Quotes).
Just at that moment, Rusty comes in and is met with Stephanie's trademark (see Quotes) as she leaves the room. Then, D.J. sits him down on Stephanie's bed and has a talk with him (see Quotes), until Danny calls everyone to get ready to eat. Then, as the cookout is underway, Becky shows Danny the letter that was in her sweater pocket. Then Danny puts the letter in Michelle's cap.
Through a humorous chain reaction, Cindy believes that Joey loves her, Becky believes that Danny loves her, Kimmy believes that Jesse loves her, Jesse believes that either Danny or Joey loves Becky, Joey believes that either Cindy or Becky loves him, Stephanie believes Rusty loves her (all done in voice-over narration), and Comet hopes somebody dropped a hamburger (see Trivia).
Finally, ironically fooled by his own prank, Rusty believes that D.J. loves him. Then after everyone calms down, Michelle takes off her cap and removes the love letter. Jesse immediately grabs it from her, saying that someone had to have typed it. This results in all-out mayhem that involves everyone accusing each other of the "crime" (see Quotes).
As soon as Jesse calms everyone down, he asks Michelle to out the "culprit," and it is none other than Rusty, who finally confesses (see Quotes).
In any event, D.J. isn't happy, and neither is anyone else, and they all plan to teach him a good lesson about "good" and "bad" jokes (see Quotes).
He takes off running, and they all (including Comet and excluding D.J.) give chase, at which point Ricky comes back and gives D.J. the rest of the change as she invites him to some food (see Quotes).
Both are glad that Ricky came back (see Quotes). Of course, the "lovebirds" pay no attention to the ongoing Rusty chase (as the audience applauds and the EP credits appear).
[In the opening teaser, Michelle is eating cookies (or part of them) at the kitchen table when Jesse sneaks up behind her.]
Jesse: Did you just eat the creamy middle out of that cookie and put the two ends back together?
Jesse: You ate the middle out of every cookie in this cookie jar?
Michelle: Next time, only buy the middle!
Cindy: Here is my semi-legendary homemade apple pie.
Danny: Oh, I can smell it from here. I can’t wait. [He takes a closer look at the pie, which has one piece already eaten.] Apparently, someone else couldn’t wait, either.
Rusty: Sorry, Mom. It was a long car ride.
D.J.: Hi, Ricky!
Ricky: Hi! I'm here to collect for the paper. Uh, $3.50, Mr. Tanner.
Danny: Sorry, Ricky, all I have is a $20.
Ricky: I don't have any change.
D.J.: That's OK, keep it!
Danny: Um, what my incredibly generous daughter means is, keep a dollar and come back for the rest, okay.
Ricky: [to D.J.] Thanks for trying. I'll be back.
D.J.: I'll be here! I'll see you then! Toodeloo! [She closes the door.] 'Toodeloo'? I'm such a geek!
Rusty: Mr. and Mrs. Ricky paperboy. [He then makes kissing sounds.]
D.J.: Grow up!
Danny: Cindy, isn't this cute. They're fighting just like brother and sister.
D.J. & Rusty: [looking at each other] Ew!
[Rusty is in D.J. and Stephanie's room and Michelle walks in.]
Michelle: Hey Mister, what are you up to now?
Rusty: Well, I'm just typing a letter. And you can help me deliver it--like a mailman.
Michelle: I'm very busy today.
Rusty: Tell you what, little lady. [He pulls out a penny.] I'll give you this bright, shiny new penny.
Michelle: Don't be cheap, give me a nickel!
Rusty: Well, you drive a hard bargain, but here you go. [He grants her wish.]
Michelle: Thank you very much.
Rusty: Okay, now take this letter into the kitchen and give it to your sister. Now, here is the fun part. Tell her it's from Ricky the paperboy.
Michelle: But that's a lie!
Rusty: Here is another nickel.
Michelle: You got a deal, dude.
[Michelle leaves the room, with change in pocket and letter in hand.]
Rusty: This is going to make D.J. crazy! [And laughs crazily.]
[Stephanie walks into the kitchen, just as Michelle walks downstairs and delivers the letter.]
Michelle: This is for my sister.
Stephanie: Who gave this to you?
Michelle: I do not lie! It was Rusty! But I'm keeping the money!
Stephanie: [thought voice-over, as she reads the letter] 'I've loved you secretly for a long time. When I see you in the house my heart burns with passion. I can't live without your love'? Signed, 'Hot for you.' [speaking] Ew, gross!
Michelle: Why did you say 'Ew, gross'?
Stephanie: Because, Rusty loves me!
Michelle: Ew, gross! [She runs out of the kitchen.]
Stephanie: [voice-over] If anyone finds out I got a love letter from that doofus, I'll die!
Cindy: Be right back, Danny! [coming in as Stephanie hides the letter in the laundry basket] Oh, hi, Steph! Uh, your dad wants the air freshener.
Stephanie: In the backyard?
Cindy: Yeah, he says it doesn't smell woodsy enough.
Joey: Cindy, how's the most beautiful dry cleaner I've ever known?
Cindy: Joey, what did you spill?
Joey: Ketchup on my shirt, mustard on my pants, I've gotta stop making sandwiches in the car.
Cindy: I'll take it out to my van so I don't forget.
Joey: Cindy, you are the best! [He kisses her on the cheek.] Oh, by the way, I left a little note in there for you. It explains everything.
[Cindy walks out of the room, reading the letter Stephanie put in the laundry basket.]
Cindy: [thought voice-over] His heart burns with passion? He can't live without my love? Joey's hot for me?
Becky: [thought voice-over, as she reads the letter] Oh my God, Danny can't live without my love? If Jesse finds out, he'll kill Danny. Hmm, I would have my own show.
[The door opens and Jesse walks in.]
Jesse: I went to four different stores trying to find Danny low -sodium Gherkins. He's getting dills, and he's gonna like them. I need a kiss.
[And that they do. While doing so, Becky quickly hides the letter in a book.]
Becky: [thought voice-over] I have to hide this. I've got to keep him kissing me. I know what he likes.
Jesse: [voice-over] Ooh, I like that. [speaking] What are you doing behind my back?
Becky: Uh, nothing.
Jesse: [noticing the book in her hand] Wait a sec, what is that?
Becky: Oh, uh, library book. Wouldn't you know – Kimmy Gibbler. And a month overdue. Boy, that child is out of control.
[Kimmy comes downstairs.]
Kimmy: Oh, Jesse, if you're going out, can you pick me up a copy of Teen Hunk? It has a scratch-and-sniff ad for New Kids on the Block cologne.
Jesse: A: I don't buy Teen Hunk, and 2: here [handing her the book], little surprise in there for you, Kimbo.
[As Jesse starts to walk to the kitchen, Michelle stands in the doorway.]
Michelle: I got two nickels. What can I buy with them?
Jesse: A dime.
Michelle: That's it?!
[Kimmy reads the love letter.]
Kimmy: [thought voice-over] Whoa, baby! Jesse's hot for me?! And why not? I'm twice the woman Becky is. [to Michelle] You better be nice to me, kid. If I, uh, marry your Uncle Jesse, I could be your Aunt Kimmy.
Michelle: [voice-over] No way, José. [speaking] No way, José.
[Michelle is in her room reading "Dr. Seuss's ABC".]
Michelle: [thought voice-over] I'm gonna learn to read if it kills me. [speaking] This is an "A", this is an apple, so what?
[Rusty comes in.]
Rusty: Hey, kid. Did you deliver the letter I wrote to your sister?
Michelle: Yes, I did.
Rusty: And what happened?
Michelle: Everything went bananas!
Rusty: I love it! You did it, Michelle! Way to go, kid! Koo-chi, koo-chi, koo-chi! You know we make a great team.
Michelle: [thought voice-over] I gotta get a lock for my door.
[D.J. is on her bed when Stephanie comes in.]
Stephanie: D.J., you're never going to believe this. Rusty wrote me a love letter.
D.J.: Ew, gross.
Stephanie: What is he thinking? He's two years older than me, and he's a complete cootie-burger. I'm gonna go dump him. [She leaves, but her sister pulls her back.]
D.J.: Steph, wait a sec. Maybe I should talk to him. It's just possible Rusty might actually have feelings.
[Rusty walks in.]
Rusty: Hey, Steph. What's up?
Stephanie: How rude! [She leaves.]
D.J.: Rusty, have a seat. Let's you and I have a talk. Let's talk about love.
D.J.: Now, I understand you're ready for a girlfriend. But in my opinion, you need a girlfriend who's older, more mature.
[As she removes her cap...]
Michelle: Daddy, can I take this love letter off my head now?
Jesse: Michelle, where'd you get this letter?
Michelle: Daddy gave it to me.
Jesse: [to Danny] So you sent this letter to Rebecca?
Danny: Hey, Becky gave that letter to me!
Becky: [to Danny] Wait a minute, you gave me this letter first!
Cindy: Joey, don't just sit there; you know you wrote this letter to me!
Joey: What letter?!
Kimmy: That's the letter my Jesse sent to me!
Jesse: Yeah. Your Jesse?!
Stephanie: I got that letter from Rusty; he's in love with me!
Rusty: No way! I love D.J., and she loves me!
D.J.: Who are you people and where's my real family?
[Everyone starts talking at once about who sent the letter.]
Jesse: Ho, ho, ho, ho, hold it! Everybody just knock it off! Now, somebody wrote that letter, and I want to know who it is, right now!
Michelle: I know who!
Jesse: You do? Who?
Michelle: It was Rusty!
Rusty: She's lying!
Rusty: Okay, I'm lying. I wanted D.J. to think it was a love letter from the paperboy.
D.J.: The little rat!
[Everybody talks at once and forgives each other, but they're not about to forgive Rusty.]
Rusty: Pretty funny, huh? I'm glad you all can take a joke. You all can take a joke, can't you? [The looks on everyone else's faces suggest otherwise.]
Michelle: [wagging her finger] You're in big trouble, mister!
[Rusty runs and they all chase him. In order: Cindy, Jesse, Danny, Becky, Kimmy, Joey, Stephanie, Comet, and Michelle.]
[Ricky returns and D.J. explains the chase.]
D.J.: They're just working up an appetite. Well, if you're hungry, dig in!
Ricky: Great, thanks! You know, I really am glad I came back.
D.J.: Me too. [voice-over] Oh Mylanta!
- The second time that Comet speaks (as voiced by Dave Coulier); the first was in "Good News, Bad News"
- The episode was based on the 1985 film Secret Admirer, starring Lori Loughlin (as shown in photo)
- Danny saying "wild-Gherkin chase" is a take on the idiom "wild-goose chase", which means a useless pursuit
- The song that Danny sings as he leads everyone to line up and take food outside is "Love Train"
- Goof: In the teaser, Jesse dumps out all of the cookies out of the cookie jar that Michelle has eaten the middle out of (which is every cookie), but you can clearly see that some of the cookies still have white creme in them (look towards the bottom-right of the pile to see one)