|Season 7, episode 2|
|Air date||September 21, 1993|
|Previous||It Was a Dark and Stormy Night|
Jesse, feeling "sick", lies down on the living room couch and asks that famous question, "Is there a doctor in the house?" There is, in the form of both Alex and Nicky, using their toy first aid kit. Like real doctors, they use tongue depressors and stethoscopes on him, and even use the lights to check his ears. He asks how he can "pay" them for the services, and they suggest he play "horsey" with them.
Danny is surprised when D.J. tells him that her classmate Kathy Santoni is pregnant. When D.J. says that she is going to go to Steve's new apartment to watch TV with him, Danny feels a bit uncomfortable. Danny tells her to be home by 11:00pm, which is her curfew. Danny gives her permission to go to Steve's apartment because he is told that Kimmy will be with her at the apartment. What Danny does not know is that circumstances have prevented Kimmy from being able to be with D.J. the whole time at Steve's apartment. Later, it is past midnight, and D.J. is still not home. Danny calls Kimmy, who gives him the address of Steve's apartment. A few minutes later, Danny knocks on the door, but there is no answer because Steve and D.J. are asleep beside each other on the couch while the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie The Terminator is playing. Danny stands on a chair, and looks through the window above the door, and sees them. The chair collapses, and the loud noise of it wakes them up. By this time, she is two hours late. Even though they never did anything besides fall asleep, Danny bans D.J. from going to Steve's apartment again, leaving D.J. shocked, speechless, heartbroken, humiliated, aggravated, emotionally distressed, and devastated beyond belief, and all in more ways than one.
The next day, Jesse and Joey are cementing the driveway. They notice that their scraping starts to sound like the theme song from The Addams Family, and they start singing it. When Steve comes over to talk to D.J., Danny starts following them around "like a hawk" under the guise of vacuuming the floor of her room in an attempt to make sure that they have no privacy, and unfortunately, they both catch him in the act and storm out and find another place. They finally find privacy in the cab of the cement truck which Jesse and Joey rented. Without knowing it, D.J. accidentally moves the lever that causes the truck to extend its flow chute through one of the kitchen windows, and cement starts pouring into the kitchen. By the time Danny turns off the truck, the kitchen floor has cement all over it.
Later, as she rebelliously isolates herself in her room after what he did to her last night and even throughout the following day, Danny (after knocking and being granted entrance) comes in and admits to D.J. that he was wrong to try to take away her privacy (and that in a way he forced her and Steve out of her room and into the cement truck), and also apologizes for overreacting and treating her like a little kid last night at Steve's apartment before telling her that he could not stop thinking about Kathy Santoni being pregnant, since Kathy is her age, and then he saw her and Steve on the couch. He realizes that she is indeed a "young woman", intending to treat her as such and not as a little kid anymore, and also acknowledges that she was right that nothing happened on the couch, and lets her know that she is allowed to go to Steve's apartment again if she is back by her 11:00 curfew. However, she mentions that Steve's landlord says that Danny owes him $30 for the chair that collapsed, which throws Danny for a loop. They also promise to work out a solution to the damage done to the kitchen. She also tells him that there are many things she wants to see and do before she commits to getting married and having a family, and he understands that.
Meanwhile, Michelle can't come up with a hobby for Hobby Day at school. She tries taking up collecting leaves, resulting in a mess in her and Stephanie's room. So when Stephanie throws the "dumb hobby" out the window, Michelle responds by throwing Stephanie's belongings out with it and Stephanie responds by throwing Michelle's belongings out as well.
- Stephanie: Boy. He really streamlined that dad talk.
- Michelle: Yeah. We got off pretty easy
- Danny: [yells] Look at the mess in here!!
- Michelle: Maybe not.
- Kimmy: [as she reads the number to Steve's apartment to Danny] Okay. 555-6410.
- Danny: Okay. Thank you.
- Kimmy: But don't bother calling her.
- Danny: Why not?
- Kimmy: Steve's phone isn't hooked up yet.
- Danny [yells through the phone]: Gibbler! I want it right away. Just hurry up!
- Kimmy: Wait! I think I have his address somewhere. Hang on! [searches her drawers to find Steve's address]
- Danny [through the phone]: ...I'll talk to your parents, and I'll have you grounded. I don't care if you're not my kid. Get me that address right now!
- Steve [to D.J.]: We can finally be alone without your father barging in, or your sisters, or your uncle, or your dog... you know, you have a lot of people living in that house.
- D.J.: Dad, you're blowing this way outta proportion!
- Danny: "Way outta proportion"?!! You see a SWAT team with me?! You see helicopters circling the building?! You see the Bat-signal out there?!?! I don't!
- D.J.: Okay! Okay, Dad! I said I was sorry!
- Danny: And I said let's go.
- Danny: Man. What a mess up there, Jess. Is there anything worse than ground leaves in a carpet?
- Jesse: [sees cement pouring into the kitchen while Joey is still meditating]: Yep.
- Danny [yells]: My kitchen! Joey, do something! [to Jesse] I'll try to keep it from spreading, you catch it off the chute!
- [Jesse tries to catch the cement in his hands, but to no avail, then he tries to do it with his shirt]
- Danny: Not your shirt! Get a bowl!! Get a bowl!
- Jesse: A bowl. All right.
- Danny: Oh, no!
- [Jesse picks up a china bowl from the table and dumps all the fruits]
- Jesse: Here! I got a bowl! I got a bowl!
- Danny: No, no, no, not that bowl, that's my fine china!
- [Jesse throws the bowl back to Danny, runs to the fridge, grabs a bigger and clear bowl from the top, and runs back to Danny]
- Danny: No!! No, not that one! Not that bowl, my mother gave me that!!
- [Jesse throws the bowl back to Danny, again]
- Danny: Oh, Jesse!
- [Jesse grabs a big wooden drawer]
- Jesse: How 'bout this drawer? Do you have any emotional attachment to the drawer?
- Danny: No, I mean, I like it, but...
- [Jesse empties the drawer and catches the pouring cement in it]
[The camera zooms up to the window of D.J.'s room, where we cut to, as she lies on her bed while still wearing her shoes. As you may have guessed, she is still depressed from the events of last night and even earlier today. Suddenly, per the new "Rule #2", there's a knock on her door.]
- D.J.: It's open. [Danny comes in.] Dad, I know I've been saying this a lot lately, but I'm really, really sorry.
- Danny: I know you are, Deej.
- D.J.: And no matter how long it takes, I'm gonna pay you back for that mess.
- Danny: Oh, I know you will. We'll work out something. But, right now, there's something else we need to work out first.
- D.J.: What did I do now?
- Danny: Well, actually, it's something that I did. Um, I don't know if you noticed, but I was kind of following you around with the vacuum cleaner today.
- D.J.: I thought that was you.
- Danny: Yeah. Well, anyway, I didn't really respect your privacy, so in a way I think I kind of forced you and Steve into that cement truck. What I really wanted to do was just talk to you about what I was feeling last night at Steve's apartment.
- D.J.: Dad, I knew what you were feeling. Steve's whole building knew what you were feeling.
- Danny: Maybe I overreacted just a tad, huh?
- D.J.: Dad, I tried to explain to you, but you wouldn't listen to me. You were treating me like I was a little kid again.
- Danny: I know, I know. I'm-I'm really sorry, Deej. All I kept thinking about was Kathy Santoni, a girl your age, having a baby. And then I saw you and Steve on the couch.
- D.J.: You saw us?
- Danny: Well, briefly until the chair gave out.
- D.J.: Dad, nothing happened.
- Danny: I know. [He sighs, as the end-of-episode inspirational music begins playing.] Everything's just getting so complicated. I mean, you're a young woman now, you're in a serious relationship with a boy, and he's got his own apartment. I guess, uh, guess if your mom were around, things would be a lot easier.
- D.J.: Dad, you're doing fine. And you don't have to worry. I'm not Kathy Santoni. Dad, there are so many things that I want to do and see before I get married and have a family.
- Danny: [smiles] This is so nice to hear. We should have these talks more often.
- D.J.: Anytime, Dad.
- Danny: I love you.
- D.J.: I love you, too. [they hug as the music stops]
- D.J.:Oh. One more thing, about Steve's apartment...
- Danny No, it's okay. You can go. I trust you. As long as you're back by curfew. Alright?
- D.J.: Thanks, Dad. That's great. But what I was gonna say is, Steve's landlord says you owe him 30 bucks for that chair you broke.
- Danny: What?! That piece of junk?!
- The plot itself is similar to that of "Lovers and Other Tanners" (season 6), as Danny humiliates D.J. and Steve at the school; here, he humiliates them at Steve's apartment, and then again at the house
- The second time major damage is done to the kitchen – the first being "Honey, I Broke the House" (season 3), when Stephanie accidentally backs Joey's car into the kitchen
- The last appearance of Mr. Bear in the series; he is sitting on Stephanie's bed while she looks at the leaves in disgust; however, seeing as Danny wanted the stuffed animals raked up as well, it seems to suggest that she did not completely get rid of him
- One of the few episodes in which Kimmy reacts at the odor of her own shoes
- The episode title was possibly taken from the 1960 Oscar-winning romantic comedy film starring Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine
- This is the only known episode (so far) to have a zoom-up on the window of D.J.'s room (upper right) since she first got it
- Instead of stills from the episode, the closing credits feature Joey and the twins searching for his watch in the now dried-up cement, which they are able to successfully dig up