|The First Day of School|
|Season 1, episode 3|
|Air date||October 2, 1987|
|Previous||Our Very First Night|
|Next||The Return of Grandma|
The night before is filled with excitement, except for Stephanie. She manages to easily irritate D.J. as she grows increasingly preoccupied with finding just the right clothes for her first day of kindergarten, and even worse, she is worried that for the first day she will end up wearing a goofy outfit and all her classmates will say "Stephanie Tanner? ew!" So as D.J. and Kimmy study in the room, they tell her to stop worrying and explain to her that the easiest thing to do is the Pledge of Allegiance, which they recite for her very quickly, which causes her to say, "I'm dead meat!"
While this is going on, just before the girls get their shut-eye, Jesse and Joey give Michelle a bath, Jesse remarking that Joey has better muscle than her, to which Joey asks how much Jesse bench-presses. The girls then come in to watch, D.J. asking them to start all over if they missed anything stupid. But Jesse quickly gets them out, remarking that Joey will do something just as stupid tomorrow.
Back in their room, Stephanie shines a flashlight in a sleeping D.J.'s face and has her look at one more piece of clothing, and then attempt to recite the pledge (with little success, as she only gets the first line right), leading older sister to literally carry younger sister over to her own bed and tuck her in... very tight.
Back in the bathroom, Jesse and Joey have finished bathing Michelle, and Jesse thanks Joey for helping him. The reason they got the bath out of the way is that Jesse is going to meet an exotic dancer tonight, while Joey has to do his thing at 9:30 PM. They keep talking about their hobbies and Jesse even serenades Michelle, until his singing is interrupted by Danny's appearance. He asks them why they are not giving her a bath, and they tell her that there was no room for all three of them. He just slowly takes Michelle to her room, as Jesse continues serenading.
The next morning is the first day of school, and everyone's even more excited than the night before. Danny asks Joey and Jesse how it went last night in the bathtub. In the meantime, the girls head downstairs all ready to go on the first day, with Danny providing their lunches (see Quotes). To add even more excitement, he brings out his camcorder to record how happy they are about it, and Jesse and Joey sing a melancholy song from Fiddler on the Roof, with Danny joining in on the last line (see Trivia).
But as soon as it is time to head off to school, even after she is handed her Jetsons lunch box and D.J. her Barbie lunch box, Stephanie freezes up and refuses to go. She has a severe case of kindergarten jitters because she is afraid that her new classmates will reject her as a friend on the first day, so it is up to D.J. and the guys to help her. Throughout the morning, before class starts, the guys show up at the school, one by one, to encourage Stephanie.
When Stephanie tries to leave the school, it is D.J. who convinces her to stay. And then D.J., who attends the same school, is moved from her class to an accelerated learning class, which she says is full of eggheads. That means that D.J. and Kimmy will be in separate classrooms. That leaves D.J. wanting to avoid school just as much as Stephanie. When D.J. tries to leave the school, Jesse and Joey are the first ones to spot this, and they alert Danny, who stops her and talks to her about trying new things in life. A minute or two later, Stephanie tries to make her own escape and Danny stops her as well, telling her that neither she nor D.J. is going anywhere unless it's back into their classrooms. Before he can even lecture both of them, D.J. decides that the same heart-to-heart Danny had with her, she'd better have with Stephanie, promising Danny that they won't try to make a break for it again. She takes Stephanie aside and gives her some helpful advice, such as mentioning that new friends can't always be made on the first day. When Stephanie brings up Kimmy, D.J. says that they were in the same class from kindergarten through 4th grade, but they did not talk to each other for six months. After their talk, the two sisters hug each other, and then they go back to class.
[D.J. and Kimmy are studying, when D.J. gets an idea.]
D.J.: So, Kimmy, we've gotta be the first ones in class tomorrow... to get the seats in the back row.
Kimmy: Okay. Why?
D.J.: Because it's the best place to pass notes.
Kimmy: I love the way your mind works. ...
I'll sit anywhere you want as long as it's not near Arthur Wilcox.
D.J. & Kimmy: Arthur Wilcox, eww!
Jesse: This is the most-terrifying shower scene since Psycho.
[In the older girls' room, after lights out, Stephanie attempts to get D.J. to look at one more piece of clothing, by shining a flashlight in D.J.'s eyes.]
Stephanie: D.J., are you asleep?
D.J.: I can't tell. I think I'm blind.
Stephanie: Will you look at one more outfit? [shows it off]
D.J.: [as she turns on her desk light] Steph, I've seen your entire wardrobe twice.
Stephanie: OK. Wanna listen to the pledge? I pledge allegiance to the flag of some states of America.
[This causes D.J. to get out of her own bed, and literally carry Stephanie over to her bed and put the covers on her.]
D.J.: I'm gonna tuck you in...very tight.
Stephanie: [as she's tucked in] And to the public, which understands... with God... and liberty... I'm dead meat.
[After checking in on Michelle's bath, Danny comes into the girls' room and turns on the light. D.J. takes the covers off of Stephanie, revealing her in a fancy pink dress.]
Stephanie: I'm ready for school!
Danny: Honey, you're ready for the prom.
Stephanie: [angrily to D.J.] You said this would be good.
D.J.: Hey, if you can't have fun with your little sister, then what's the point of having one?
Danny: 'Chef Boyar-dad' (see Trivia) has made some super-great lunches – for a super-great first day of school.
[Jesse and Joey see D.J. jumping, or at least attempting to jump, the playground's fence. They alert Danny, who stops her dead in her tracks.]
Danny: Freeze. What is this? I don't wanna jump to conclusions, but it appears that what we have is my daughter ditching school, throwing away her future, and basically becoming a juvenile delinquent.
D.J.: In a nutshell, yes.
Danny: Would you mind if I ask you a question before you go knock off a 7-Eleven? Why are you dropping out of school?
D.J.: Because they put me in the smart class.
Danny: The advanced class? D.J., that's wonderful.
D.J.: Dad, it's Geekville, USA. These kids, the first day of school they brought homework. And get this, I'm the only blonde. And worst of all, they split me and Kimmy up.
Danny: Oh. I know you're disappointed, but it's not like you'll never see Kimmy again. She lives next door.
D.J.: Dad, you don't understand. Kimmy and I have always been in the same class. Now I'm in a room full of eggheads. They're worse than eggheads. They're omelet-heads.
Danny: D.J., it's the omelet-heads who rule the world. You really should give this a chance. Do you know why?
Danny: Because if you don't try new things, you're never gonna know what you're missing out on.
- The first appearance of Kimmy Gibbler (Andrea Barber) – although she is featured in the premiere episode, where D.J. is talking to her on the phone
- The first episode where something terrible causes the audience to groan
- Danny's "Chef Boyar-dad" remark is an allusion to Chef Boyardee (coincidentally, Candace Cameron did a Chef Boyardee commercial prior to Full House)