|The First Day of School|
|Season 1, episode 3|
|Air date||October 2, 1987|
|Previous||Our Very First Night|
|Next||The Return of Grandma|
The night before is filled with excitement for everyone, except for Stephanie. She manages to easily irritate D.J. as she grows increasingly preoccupied with finding just the right clothes for her first day of kindergarten (see Quotes). So as D.J. and Kimmy study in the room, they tell her to stop worrying and explain to her that the easiest thing to do is the Pledge of Allegiance, which they recite for her very quickly.
Back in their room, all Stephanie wants is for her sister to look at one more piece of clothing, but all D.J. wants is for her sister to stop bothering her and just go to sleep (see Quotes).
Back in the bathroom, Jesse and Joey have finished bathing Michelle, and Jesse thanks Joey for helping him. The reason they got the bath out of the way is that both of them are going to be out tonight, instead of Danny. They keep talking about their hobbies and Jesse even serenades Michelle, until his singing is interrupted by Danny's appearance and shock (see Quotes).
The next morning is the first day of school, and everyone's even more excited than the night before, and the guys happily tell Danny about the bath. In the meantime, the girls head downstairs all ready to go on the first day, with Danny providing their lunches (see Quotes). To add even more excitement, he brings out his camcorder to record how happy they are about it, and Jesse and Joey sing a melancholy song from Fiddler on the Roof, with Danny joining in on the last line (see Trivia).
But as soon as it is time to head off to school, even after she is handed her Jetsons lunch box and D.J. her Barbie lunch box, Stephanie freezes up and refuses to go. She has a severe case of kindergarten jitters because she is afraid that her new classmates will reject her as a friend on the first day, so it is up to D.J. and the guys to help her. Throughout the morning, before class starts, the guys show up at the school, one by one, to encourage Stephanie.
When Stephanie tries to leave the school, it is D.J. who convinces her to stay. And then D.J., who attends the same school, is moved from her class to an accelerated learning class, which she says is full of eggheads. That means that D.J. and Kimmy will be in separate classrooms. That leaves D.J. wanting to avoid school just as much as Stephanie. When D.J. tries to leave the school, Jesse and Joey are the first ones to spot this, and they alert Danny, who stops her and talks to her about trying new things in life. A minute or two later, Stephanie tries to make her own escape and he stops her as well, telling her that neither she nor D.J. is going anywhere unless it's back into their classrooms. Before he can even lecture both of them, D.J. decides that the same heart-to-heart he had with her, she'd better have with Stephanie, promising him that they won't try to make a break for it again (see Quotes). After their discussion, the two sisters hug each other, and then they go back to class.
Soon, Stephanie is back in her classroom with her new classmates to cheer her up (as the audience applauds and the EP credits appear).
[D.J. and Kimmy are studying on D.J.'s bed.]
Stephanie: [putting an armful of clothes onto her own bed] This outfit [the one she's currently wearing] is all wrong. Tomorrow's the first day of kindergarten and I have nothing to wear.
D.J.: Your bed is full of clothes.
Stephanie: Yeah, but they're not me. Well, they're me, but they're the preschool me.
Kimmy: I'll sit anywhere you want as long as it's not near Arthur Wilcox.
D.J. & Kimmy: Arthur Wilcox, eww!
Stephanie: Who's Arthur Wilcox?
D.J. & Kimmy: Ewwwww!
D.J.: Steph, please... Kimmy and I are talking about school.
Stephanie: So am I. What if I walk into class wearing a goofy outfit, and everyone says: 'Stephanie Tanner, ewwwww!'?
[Joey and Jesse enter the girls' room with Michelle. D.J. is shocked at Michelle's messy face (pasta sauce).]
D.J.: What happened to Michelle?
Jesse: Well, your sister Michelle tried to eat her dinner by pushing it through her face.
Joey: Yeah, we'd better give her a bath.
Jesse: That's a good idea. Do we know how to do that?
Joey: Sure, it's like giving a puppy a bath, only there's a little less tail to clean.
Jesse: [enters the bathroom] Hey, Joey, the kid's ready.
Joey: So am I.
[Jesse pulls back the shower curtain to hand Michelle to Joey to be bathed, but sees Joey wearing full swimming gear: cap, goggles, life jacket, and trunks.]
Jesse: This is the most terrifying shower scene since Psycho. [Michelle starts to cry.] Hey, it's all right, pal. Here, you go to your Uncle Joey there. There you go. ... Joey, the baby has better muscle tone than you do.
Joey: [with a deep voice] And what do you bench?
D.J.: [comes in with Stephanie, each carries a chair and sits in it] If we missed anything stupid, would you start all over?
Jesse: [ushering them out] Girls, get out, go to bed. Get out of here. Don't worry. Joey will do something just as stupid tomorrow. [to Joey] You got a call from the Laugh Machine. Somebody got sick. You have to go on at 9:30 instead of 1:30.
Joey: 9:30? That's primetime. Yes! Jess, what do I open with?
Jesse: How about a joke?
Joey: Perfect. Thank God you're here. Okay, I've made a decision. I'll open with a joke. What's my best joke?
Jesse: That outfit.
[In the older girls' room, after lights out, Stephanie is shining a flashlight in D.J.'s eyes.]
Stephanie: D.J., are you asleep?
D.J.: I can't tell. I think I'm blind.
Stephanie: Will you look at one more outfit? [She shows it off.]
D.J.: [as she turns on her desk light] Steph, I've seen your entire wardrobe twice.
Stephanie: OK. Wanna listen to the pledge? I pledge allegiance to the flag of some states of America.
[This causes D.J. to get out of her bed, and literally carry Stephanie over to her bed and put the covers on her.]
D.J.: I'm gonna tuck you in...very tight.
Stephanie: [as she's tucked in] And to the public, which understands... with God... and liberty... I'm dead meat.
[Back in the bathroom, Jesse and Joey have just finished bathing Michelle.]
Jesse: Okay, she's clean. You could eat off this baby.
Joey: Hey Jess, thanks for helping me out with the baby.
Jesse: No problem. I got a date tonight with a dancer, but not until midnight.
Joey: Another exotic dancer?
Jesse: For your information, Joseph, I happen to be dating a ballerina. Okay, she's a topless ballerina. Good luck tonight, pal.
Joey: Yeah, tonight; 9:30. This could be the big break I've been waiting for, Jess. I've been at this comedy stuff since I was 4 years old when I did my first impression. Ever since then, all I've wanted was to make people happy. Is this making any sense to you?
Jesse: Oh, yeah, I know what you're saying. See, you're talking about that magical moment when you know what you wanna do with your life. It happened to me when I was 6. I turned the TV on, there was Elvis Presley in King Creole. Naturally, he played a two-fisted, fun-loving, girl-chasing, singing busboy.
Joey: They stole that Oscar from him.
Jesse: Robbed him blind.
Danny: [walks in and sees Jesse singing to Joey in the tub] Oh, my God!
Jesse: What? We were just giving the kid a bath!
Danny: Then why isn't she in the tub?
Jesse: Because Joey's in the tub, and I'm in the tub, and there's not enough room for, you know, all of us.
Danny: It's obvious that I-I really am intruding. ... I'm gonna go put Michelle in her crib. I'm gonna go check on my other girls, and just leave you two sailors to your suds and your singing.
[After checking in on Michelle's bath, Danny comes into the girls' room and turns on the light. D.J. takes the covers off of Stephanie, revealing her in a fancy pink dress.]
Stephanie: I'm ready for school!
Danny: Honey, you're ready for the prom.
Stephanie: [angrily to D.J.] You said this would be good.
D.J.: Hey, if you can't have fun with your little sister, then what's the point of having one?
[In the kitchen, Danny prepares for work, and also prepares the girls' lunches for (what else) 'the first day of school'.]
Danny: Good morning, boys.
Joey: Good morning, Pa [Danny], Hoss [Jesse].
Jesse: Little Joe [Joey] (see Trivia).
Danny: How'd it go last night?
Joey: Well, I started out great, but right in the middle, I...
Danny: No, no, I meant in the bathtub with Hoss.
Jesse: Look... I finished “Love Me Tender,” we did a short medley from “Viva Las Vegas”, and I got the hell out of the tub.
D.J.: [coming downstairs with Stephanie] Dad, we're all ready.
Danny: Girls, I don't want to brag, but Chef Boyar-dad (see Trivia) has made some super-great lunches – for a super-great first day of school. ... And you know what, Stephanie? For you I've got a brand-new lunchbox.
Stephanie: The Jetsons.
Joey: [does the sound of the flying car on the front of the lunchbox, as he "flies" it to her.] [as George Jetson:] Hi, I'm home. Hi, Jane. Hi, Elroy. Hi, Astro. [as Astro the dog:] Hi, George. How was your first day at work?
Danny: And, D.J., for you, I've got a brand-new Barbie lunchbox!
Joey: [She looks at him.] I don't do Barbie (voice).
Jesse: Oh, darn.
[Jesse and Joey see D.J. jumping, or at least attempting to jump, the playground's fence. They alert Danny, who stops her dead in her tracks.]
Danny: Freeze. What is this? I don't wanna jump to conclusions, but it appears that what we have is my daughter ditching school, throwing away her future, and basically becoming a juvenile delinquent.
D.J.: In a nutshell, yes.
Danny: Would you mind if I ask you a question before you go knock off a 7-Eleven? Why are you dropping out of school?
D.J.: Because they put me in the smart class.
Danny: The advanced class? D.J., that's wonderful.
D.J.: Dad, it's Geekville, USA. These kids, the first day of school they brought homework. And get this, I'm the only blonde. And worst of all, they split me and Kimmy up.
Danny: Oh. I know you're disappointed, but it's not like you'll never see Kimmy again. She lives next door.
D.J.: Dad, you don't understand. Kimmy and I have always been in the same class. Now I'm in a room full of eggheads. They're worse than eggheads. They're omelet-heads.
Danny: D.J., it's the omelet-heads who rule the world. You really should give this a chance. Do you know why?
Danny: Because if you don't try new things, you're never gonna know what you're missing out on.
[After Stephanie makes her own escape and Danny stops her as well, D.J. decides to pass the fatherly advice onto her sis. She motions her over with her finger and kneels down beside her as Stephanie sits on the slide.]
D.J.: Steph… what's wrong?
Stephanie: No friends.
D.J.: You can't expect to make friends the first day. You know, when I started kindergarten, I didn't know anybody either.
Stephanie: What about Kimmy?
D.J.: We were just in the same class. But I didn't talk to Kimmy for six months.
Stephanie: Because she's an airhead?
D.J.: She's not an airhead, she just hates thinking.
D.J.: Anyway, making friends takes time, but you've got one new friend in school already.
D.J.: Me, and I'm right down the hall, room 6. You can't miss me, I'm the only omlettehead with blonde hair.
- The first appearance of Kimmy Gibbler (Andrea Barber) – although she is featured in the premiere episode, where D.J. is talking to her on the phone
- The first episode where something terrible causes the audience to groan
- The guys' mentioning of Pa, Hoss, and Little Joe, are references to characters from the series Bonanza
- Danny's "Chef Boyar-dad" remark is an allusion to Chef Boyardee (coincidentally, Candace Cameron did a Chef Boyardee commercial prior to Full House)
- In the scene where the girls get their lunch boxes, Joey says that he doesn't do a Barbie voice, but in "Slumber Party" (4.4), he does her voice – as well as Ken's