The I.Q. Man
Season 4, episode 3
The i.q. man
Air date October 5, 1990
Writer(s) Dennis Rinsler & Marc Warren
Director Joel Zwick
Previous Crimes and Michelle's Demeanor
Next Slumber Party

The I.Q. Man is episode three of season four of Full House. It originally aired on October 5, 1990.

Opening Teaser

Michelle reads a bedtime story to Comet. When she's finished, Danny comes to make sure she's in bed so she can give him a good-night kiss. Instead, it's Comet who does the kissing, leaving Danny to remark, "Michelle, what wet lips you have!" Of course, he busts Michelle, but he also gives her the good-night kiss.


Jesse and Joey have prepared a commercial for a cologne company. The client, Ms. Garland, wants Jesse to play the main role in the commercial. Ms. Garland, who finds Jesse attractive, demands that he wear a lot less than he is willing to wear in the commercial, and when Mr. Malatesta tells Jesse that he has no choice but to do what Ms. Garland says, Jesse and Joey decide to stop working for him, with Joey using a list of McDonald's products in his lecture to Mr. Malatesta (see Quotes).

Meanwhile, the cure may turn out to be infinitely worse than the disease when Michelle plays nurse for Stephanie, who is confined to bed with a bad cold. Michelle uses creative ways to make Stephanie's remedies, such as taking a piece of fried chicken from a bucket in the fridge and putting it into Comet's water bowl to make "chicken soup", and putting a whole orange into a glass of water to make "orange juice".

But later, when Michelle picks it up, Stephanie turns the tables on her, especially after she uses Stephanie's paper for a tissue after sneezing, leading to the usual "How rude!". Michelle tells her, "You gave me your cold. Take it back." But she tells Michelle, "No can do. Once it's out of my nose, it's out of my hands." When Joey comes home and hears about this, he says that Stephanie will take care of Michelle in the same way that Michelle took care of Stephanie. In fact, Stephanie even turns Michelle's own words against her, "You! Upstairs, into bed! Move it, mister! Move it!", to which Michelle can only reply, "Chill out, dude!"

On career day at D.J.'s school, after Danny is chosen (with Becky) as a replacement for Connie Chung, the family encourages Jesse and Joey (as the day's "special guests") to continue to work together in the advertising business, but without Mr. Malatesta. Jesse tries to get a business loan but is turned down, and even Joey is shocked. But when Jesse explains they have no experience running their own business or collateral or credit rating, Joey says that just because Jesse's cranky and unemployed doesn't mean he can take his anger out on him (see Quotes).

When Danny hears about this, he thinks that singing "The Impossible Dream (The Quest)" will solve Jesse's problem, but of course, it doesn't. So, after humming the song and showing a personal check in his name, he offers them a loan and to be a silent partner, and they agree. Danny says that their name is Double J & D Creative Services, but adds that the "D" is silent. He reminds them that the check is an investment, and not a gift. They all hum the theme (as the audience applauds and the EP credits appear).


[In the kitchen, Stephanie sits at the table, with a pile of tissues all around her.]

Stephanie: I'm not gonna sneeze. I'm not gonna sneeze. Ahh...thank you, nose. Ah-choo! [And that causes the pile of tissues to go everywhere.]
Michelle: Happy New Year!
Stephanie: It's not a holiday, Michelle. I have a terrible cold.

Kimmy: We don’t need you, Mr. T. We already booked a big TV star.
Danny: [his smile fades] Bigger than me?
D.J.: Jimmy Chung said he could get his Aunt Connie.
Danny: Connie Chung? You booked Connie Chung for Career Day? I’ve been trying to get her on my show for years.
Kimmy: [to Danny] Tell you what. Have your people call my people.
Danny: [turns to D.J., annoyed] D.J. ...
D.J.: [sarcastically] I know, Dad – 'Make new friends'.

Mr. Malatesta: [to Jesse] Katsopolis, let me explain your options to you. Either you do it, you do it or you do it.
Jesse: What was the second one again?

Joey: [to Mr. Malatesta regarding their departures] This man [Jesse] is not a hamburger, and I am not a side of fries, and you, sir, are a... Chicken McNugget!
Jesse: Joey, are you gonna quit or order a Happy Meal?

D.J.: Dad, remember Jimmy Chung? The pathological liar?
Danny: Oh, I’m just taking a shot here, but, uh, he couldn’t get his Aunt Connie, huh?
Kimmy: He doesn’t have an Aunt Connie.
D.J.: His name’s not even Chung.

Jesse: Hey Joey. Got bad news for JJ Creative Services. The bank turned down our business loan.
Joey: How could they do that?
Jesse: Oh, I don't know. Maybe because we have no experience running our own business, no collateral, no credit rating. Why do you think they turned us down?
Joey: Hey, just because you're cranky and unemployed, don't take it out on me.


  • Danny's line, "Michelle, what wet lips you have!" is a take on "Grandma, what big ears you have" from "Little Red Riding Hood"
  • The second of four episodes this season to use the Lorimar Television music in the closing credits
  • An outtake from this episode features the scene with Danny's loan to the guys, and John Stamos (Jesse) confusing "The Impossible Dream" with "Happy Days Are Here Again", at which point he realized that was the "wrong song"; in take two, he almost completes the title, when Bob Saget (Danny) tells them, "Hey, I got two hit shows" (the other being America's Funniest Home Videos), eliciting laughter and applause from the audience

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