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The I.Q. Man
Season 4, episode 3
The i.q. man
Air date October 5, 1990
Writer(s) Dennis Rinsler & Marc Warren
Director Joel Zwick
Previous Crimes and Michelle's Demeanor
Next Slumber Party

The I.Q. Man is episode three of season four of Full House. It originally aired on October 5, 1990.

Opening Teaser[]

See #Quotes.

Synopsis[]

Jesse and Joey have prepared a commercial for a cologne company. The client, Ms. Garland, wants Jesse to play the main role in the commercial, and because she finds him attractive, she tries to make him wear a lot less than he is willing to wear in the ad. When their boss, Mr. Malatesta, tells Jesse that he has no choice but to do what she says, Jesse and Joey decide not only to quit the commercial but to stop working for him. And in Joey's resignation speech, following from what Jesse said earlier about being treated like meat (hamburger), he also uses McDonald's products (see Quotes).

Meanwhile, the cure may turn out to be infinitely worse than the disease when Michelle plays nurse for Stephanie, who is confined to bed with a bad cold. Michelle uses creative but bizarre ways to make Stephanie's "remedies" (see Quotes).

But later, when Michelle picks it up, Stephanie turns the tables on her, especially after she uses Stephanie's paper as a tissue after sneezing (see Quotes).

For career day at D.J.'s school, Danny is chosen (with Becky) as a special guest, and the family encourages Jesse and Joey to continue to work together in the advertising business, but without Mr. Malatesta. Jesse tries to get a business loan but is turned down, and even Joey is shocked. But when Jesse explains they have no experience running their own business or collateral or credit rating, Joey says that just because Jesse's cranky and unemployed does not mean that he can take his anger out on him (see Quotes).

When Danny hears about this, he thinks that singing "The Impossible Dream (The Quest)" will solve Jesse's problem, but of course, it doesn't. So, after humming the song and showing a personal check in his name, he offers them a loan and to be a silent partner, and they agree. Danny says that their name is Double J & D Creative Services, but adds that the "D" is silent. He reminds them that the check is an investment, and not a gift. They all hum the theme (as the audience applauds and the EP credits appear).

Quotes[]

In the teaser: Michelle, in her room, is "reading" (pretending) to Comet.

Michelle: And then the princess said all these words. The end.
Danny: [from the hall] Michelle!
Michelle: Daddy's coming! No barking! [Comet barks.] Shh! [She quickly gets both of them under the covers.]
Danny: [entering] Michelle, honey, did you tuck yourself in already?
Michelle: Daddy I'm sleeeeping.
Danny: Well, first I want my goodnight kiss [uncovers the blanket, only to discover Comet, and (by mistake) gives him "kisses"]. Ah, Michelle, what wet lips you have [see Trivia]. How did Comet get in your bed?
Michelle: [shrugging] You got me.
Danny: You know the rules. No dogs in bed.
Michelle: [wagging her left finger at Comet] You're in big trouble, mister! [And she gets her kiss... from her dad.]

In the kitchen, Stephanie sits at the table, with a pile of used tissues in front of her.

Stephanie: I'm not gonna sneeze. I'm not gonna sneeze. ... Ahh. Thank you, nose... [But after those words leave her mouth, she does sneeze. And that causes the pile of tissues to go everywhere].
Michelle: Happy New Year!
Stephanie: It's not a holiday, Michelle. I have a terrible cold.
Michelle: I'll make you all better. [She puts Comet's water bowl on the table, goes to the refrigerator and takes out a bucket of fried chicken, puts a drumstick in the water and stirs it around. Stephanie watches this with a confused look on her face.] You're gonna love this.
Stephanie: What the heck are you doing?
Michelle: Making you chicken soup.

Kimmy: [to Danny] We don’t need you, Mr. T. We already booked a big TV star.
Danny: [his smile fades] Bigger than me?
D.J.: Jimmy Chung said he could get his Aunt Connie.
Danny: Connie Chung?! You booked Connie Chung for Career Day? I’ve been trying to get her on my show for years.
Kimmy: Tell you what: Have your people call my people.
Danny: D.J. ...
D.J.: I know, Dad: 'Make new friends'.

Michelle comes down to Joey's room with a glass of water with an orange in it.

Michelle: [to Stephanie] There you are. I made you some orange juice.
Stephanie: It, uh... sure does look fresh.
Michelle: [wagging her finger] Go back to bed. Right now. Move it!
Stephanie: But, Michelle...
Michelle: I said 'Move it, mister!' [As Stephanie goes upstairs, she throws her hands up] Kids.
[Jesse and Joey continue to present their ad idea.]
Joey: Okay... we fade-in on an elegant library. We pan over to a portrait of a goddess draped in but a wisp of chiffon. As the classical music swells, a great intellect enters. The suave, classy, debonair, IQ Man!
Jesse: [coming downstairs wearing glasses and holding a book (as shown in infobox photo)] I want to know if I can live with what I know? ...And only that.
Joey: As the IQ man ponders that thought...
Jesse: Hmm...
Joey: A dream-like mist fills the room. Suddenly, the goddess in the painting comes to life. She's drawn to the IQ Man by a mysterious power. There's something about him I can't resist. Is it... his eyes? [Jesse takes off his glasses.] Is it... his smile? [Jesse smiles.] Is it...
Jesse: Stop! [turns to face Joey, who is now nose-to-nose with him] If you must love me... love me for my IQ.
Joey: [grabs a package and holds it up] IQ. Now available in biodegradable roll-on.

Mr. Malatesta: [to Jesse] Katsopolis, let me explain your options to you. Either you do it, you do it or you do it.
Jesse: What was the second one again?

D.J.: Dad, remember Jimmy Chung? The pathological liar?
Danny: Oh, I’m just taking a shot here, but, uh, he couldn’t get his Aunt Connie, huh?
Kimmy: He doesn’t have an Aunt Connie.
D.J.: His name’s not even Chung.

Joey: [to Mr. Malatesta; pointing at Jesse] This man is not a hamburger, and I am not a side of fries, and you, sir, are a... Chicken McNugget!
Jesse: Joey, are you gonna quit or order a Happy Meal?
Joey: We're quitting!
Jesse: That's my partner. [shaking hands] C'mon, we got better places to be.
Joey: We just lost our jobs, where are we going?
Jesse: Career Day. [And off to Van Atta Junior High they go.]

In the living room, Stephanie is reading a piece of paper, as Michelle comes in.

Michelle: Tissue, tissue, tissue [and grabs Stephanie's paper, sneezes on it and hands it back]. Thank you.
Stephanie: [holding the paper by one corner] How rude!
Michelle: [wagging her finger] You gave me your cold. Take it back.
Stephanie: No can do. Once it's out of my nose, it's out of my hands.
[Michelle frowns at her (almost doing "The Lip", but not quite).]
Joey: [enters the front door] Hi, girls.
Stephanie: Hi, Joey.
Joey: How are you, Michelle?
Michelle: She makes me sick!
Stephanie: What she means is: I gave her my cold.
Joey: Well, I'm sorry you got Stephy's cold, but you know the good news? Since you took such good care of Stephy, I'm sure Stephy is going take really good care of you. Right, Steph?
Stephanie: Nice guilt trip, Joey.
Joey: Yeah it was, wasn't it? Bye, girls. [He leaves.]
Stephanie: In the words of Michelle Tanner [with the same finger wag], 'You. Upstairs. Into bed. Move it, mister. Move it!'
Michelle: Chill out, dude! [And upstairs to bed she goes.]

Jesse: Hey Joey. Got bad news for JJ Creative Services. The bank turned down our business loan.
Joey: How could they do that?
Jesse: Oh, I don't know. Maybe because we have no experience running our own business, no collateral, no credit rating. Why do you think they turned us down?
Joey: Hey, just because you're cranky and unemployed, don't take it out on me.

Trivia[]

  • Danny's line, "Michelle, what wet lips you have!" is a take on the line "Grandma, what big ears you have!" from "Little Red Riding Hood".
  • The second of four episodes this season to use the Lorimar Television music in the closing credits.
  • An outtake from this episode features the scene with Danny's loan to the guys, and John Stamos (Jesse) confusing "The Impossible Dream" with "Happy Days Are Here Again", at which point he realized that was the "wrong song"; in take two, he almost completes the title, when Bob Saget (Danny) tells them, "Hey, I got two hit shows" (the other being America's Funniest Home Videos), eliciting laughter and applause from the audience.
Full House Episodes
Season 1
Our Very First ShowOur Very First NightThe First Day of SchoolThe Return of GrandmaSea CruiseDaddy's HomeKnock Yourself OutJesse's GirlThe Miracle of ThanksgivingJoey's PlaceThe Big Three-OOur Very First PromoSisterly LoveHalf a Love StoryA Pox in Our HouseBut Seriously, FolksDanny's Very First DateJust One of the GuysThe Seven-Month Itch (Part 1)The Seven-Month Itch (Part 2)Mad MoneyD.J. Tanner's Day Off
Season 2
Cutting It CloseTanner vs. GibblerIt's Not My JobD.J.'s Very First HorseJingle HellBeach Boy BingoJoey Gets ToughTriple DateOur Very First Christmas ShowMiddle Age CrazyA Little RomanceFogged InWorking MothersLittle Shop of SweatersPal JoeyBaby LoveEl Problema Grande de D.J.Goodbye Mr. BearBlast From the PastI'm There for You, BabeLuck Be a Lady (Part 1)Luck Be a Lady (Part 2)
Season 3
Tanner's IslandBack to School BluesBreaking Up is Hard to Do (in 22 Minutes)Nerd for a DayGranny TannyStar SearchAnd They Call It Puppy LoveDivorce CourtDr. Dare Rides AgainThe Greatest Birthday on EarthAftershocksJoey & Stacey and... Oh, Yeah, JesseNo More Mr. Dumb GuyMisadventures in BabysittingLust in the DustBye, Bye Birdie13 CandlesMr. EggheadThose Better Not Be the DaysHoney, I Broke the HouseJust Say No WayThree Men and Another BabyFraternity ReunionOur First Telethon
Season 4
Greek WeekCrimes and Michelle's DemeanorThe I.Q. ManSlumber PartyGood News, Bad NewsA Pinch for a PinchViva Las JoeyShape UpOne Last KissTerror in Tanner TownSecret AdmirerDanny in ChargeHappy New Year BabyWorking GirlOld Brown EyesStephanie Gets FramedA Fish Called MartinThe Wedding (Part 1)The Wedding (Part 2)Fuller House (episode)The Hole-in-the-Wall GangStephanie Plays the FieldJoey Goes HollywoodGirls Just Wanna Have FunThe GraduatesRock the Cradle
Season 5
Double TroubleMatchmaker MichelleTake My Sister, PleaseOh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Girl Gone?The King and IThe Legend of Ranger JoeThe Legend of Ranger JoeThe VolunteerGotta DanceHappy Birthday, Babies (Part 1)Happy Birthday, Babies (Part 2)Nicky and/or AlexanderCrushedSpellboundToo Much Monkey BusinessThe Devil Made Me Do ItDriving Miss D.J.Yours, Mine and OursThe Trouble with DannyFive's a CrowdGirls Will Be BoysCaptain Video (Part 1)Captain Video (Part 2)
Season 6
Come Fly With MeThe Long GoodbyeRoad to TokyoRadio DaysLovers and Other TannersEducating JesseTrouble in Twin TownThe Play's the ThingNice Guys Finish FirstI'm Not D.J.Designing MothersA Very Tanner ChristmasThe Dating GameBirthday BluesBe True to Your PreschoolThe Heartbreak KidSilence is Not GoldenPlease Don't Touch the DinosaurSubterranean Graduation BluesGrand Gift AutoRoom for One MoreProm NightThe House Meets the Mouse (Part 1)The House Meets the Mouse (Part 2)
Season 7
It Was a Dark and Stormy NightThe ApartmentWrong-Way TannerTough LoveFast FriendsSmash Club: The Next GenerationHigh AnxietyAnother Opening, Another No ShowThe Day of the RhinoThe Prying GameThe Bicycle ThiefSupport Your Local ParentsThe Perfect CoupleIs It True About Stephanie?The TestJoey's Funny ValentineThe Last DanceKissing CousinsLove on the RocksMichelle a la CarteBe Your Own Best FriendA Date with FateToo Little Richard Too LateA House Divided
Season 8
Comet's Excellent AdventureBreaking AwayMaking Out is Hard to DoI've Got a SecretTo Joey, With LoveYou Pet It, You Bought ItOn the Road AgainClaire and Present DangerStephanie's Wild RideUnder the InfluenceArrest Ye Merry GentlemenD.J.'s ChoiceThe ProducerSuper Bowl Fun DayMy Left and Right FootAir JesseDateless in San FranciscoWe Got the BeatTaking the PlungeUp on the RoofLeap of FaithAll Stood UpMichelle Rides Again (Part 1)Michelle Rides Again (Part 2)
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