| The Test | |
| Season 7, episode 15 | |
 | |
| Air date | January 11, 1994 |
| Writer(s) | Dan Chasin & Linda Lane |
| Director | John Tracy |
| Previous | Is It True About Stephanie? |
| Next | Joey's Funny Valentine |
The Test is episode fifteen of season seven on Full House. It originally aired on January 11, 1994.
Michelle, Nicky, and Alex quietly enter the living room from the kitchen, and notice Joey asleep on the couch, listening to music on his stereo cassette player with headphones and having a plate of brownies. There are still two brownies left on the plate, so Michelle quietly ushers the twins over to get the plate without getting caught. The minute they get the plate, Michelle replaces it with a green book sitting nearby on the table. Unfortunately, Joey catches Michelle in the act because he noticed the loud sound of the book on his stomach, and asks the "brownie-napper" to "hand over the baked goods". But too little too late, as the twins gobble up every last crumb.
Plot Summary
It is the day before D.J.'s SAT's. Despite everyone's mantra of "It's no big deal, it's just a test", she is so nervous about it that when she goes to sleep that night, she has a nightmare about it, in which everything possible goes wrong: she oversleeps on the day of the test and is late and still wearing her pajamas and pink bunny slippers, Ms. Twitchel (Beverly Archer of Mama's Family), a neighbor D.J. yelled at, is the teacher, the test uses #4 pencils (instead of #2), Joey arrives with a typewriter-like device when D.J. doesn't have a calculator, Jesse steals the booklet with the correct answers and gives her said answers via a walkie-talkie that is stuffed in a breakfast burrito (which Ms. Twitchel immediately mistakes for one of the other students and throws him out of the room), time's up before D.J. can even fill in a circle on her answer sheet, Danny and Rebecca come by to broadcast the test live, with Stephanie and the rest of the family as guests, and D.J. fails the test. (While Kimmy gets a perfect score and wins a scholarship to Stanford University and the heart of Steve, D.J. gets a scholarship to Clown University.)
When D.J. wakes up from this nightmare, the "end-of-episode" inspirational music plays, and Danny convinces her that she does not have to be so nervous about the test, and that when he took his SAT's, he was a nervous wreck. He jokingly admits he answered his first 12 questions with an eraser, and did much better once he turned his pencil around. As the music stops, they hug.
That day, her teacher turns out to be a much friendlier teacher named Mrs. Moffatt (played by Wheel of Fortune's Vanna White, who plays herself in the nightmare scene). Unlike Ms. Twitchel, Mrs. Moffatt jokes about the use of #4 pencils, and (obviously) knows that #2 pencils must be used. She paces around the room, to make sure everyone is following the test directions.
Meanwhile, as part of her school's "Safety Week", Safety Ranger Michelle goes overboard with her whistle as she "reports" violations for safety, sleeping, and stupidity; Nicky & Alex join in as her deputies.
Quotes
[Upstairs in D.J.'s room, while D.J. is studying, Kimmy is watching an episode of...]
Kimmy: [doing the audience chant] Wheel! of! Fortune!
[An actual episode is shown on the TV, with the 1992–94 theme playing, with Kimmy "dancing" along; however, seeing as she needs to study, D.J. turns the TV off.]
D.J.: Do you mind? I'm trying to study.
Kimmy: Hey, we can learn a lot from Vanna. She knows where every letter on that board is.
D.J.: Kimmy, look at this practice test. [shows it to her] I have to raise my score 150 points if I'm gonna get into Stanford.
[Suddenly, Michelle and the twins enter...]
Michelle: Safety Ranger and Deputies coming through.
D.J.: Michelle, what are you doing?
Michelle: It's Safety Week at school. My deputies are looking for violations. [She looks around the room, and then spots something that makes her blow her whistle super-duper loud...] Safety violation, safety violation!
Nicky: What is it?
Michelle: [spotting the jacket on top of the pole lamp, and taking it off] Whose jacket is this?
Kimmy: It's mine, squirt. What's it to ya?
Michelle: Clothes on a lamp can cause a fire. I'm giving you a ticket. Deputy, do your duty.
[Alex writes the "ticket", a Post-It note with an upside-down "sad face", and puts it on the sleeve of Kimmy's shirt, which surprises her.]
D.J.: Michelle, I really don't have time for this.
Michelle: There's always time for safety.
D.J.: Well, for your own safety, get out. Come on guys, let's go. [She escorts them out of her room.]
Danny: Deej, Becky and I need some help. We can't decide what to do on Friday's show.
D.J.: Why don't you do it about a high school junior who flunks her SAT's and ends up as a pathetic drain on society?
Kimmy: Too late, Deej. My brother Garth already sold his life story to Hard Copy.
[In the kitchen, D.J. has just finished making a cup of tea, when..]
Danny: D.J., hold on. Why don't you sit down and eat with us?
D.J.: No Dad, really. I can't.
Joey: Oh, come on, Deej. I made your favorite: Meat loaf and potatoes. [Right behind, the rest of the family brings the rest of the dinner, which appears to be salad and rolls.]
D.J.: I'm really losing it. That potato looks like Joe Pesci.
Joey: [turns to Jesse and walks over to him and imitates Pesci] See, huh? See, I told you, you smart-Alec waxed bean head!
D.J.: Guys, really. I'm never gonna get into Stanford if I don't go study.
Danny: Sweetheart, it's no big deal...
All: It's just a test!
D.J.: What, did you guys just rehearse that?
[Just at that moment, Steve comes in.]
Steve: Hey everybody.
All: Hey.
Steve: How ya doin'? Hi Deej.
D.J.: Hi.
Steve: [kisses D.J., and holds a bunch of CDs in his hand] Hey Deej, I just read an article that says if you listen to Mozart, it can raise your IQ by, like, 10 points.
Jesse: Steve, she doesn't need any CDs. Look, it's not big deal...
D.J.: It's just a test.
Jesse: Well, I was gonna say "It's just an examination", but...
[doorbell rings]
D.J.: I'll get it.
[Danny and Becky arrive in the classroom, camera crew and all]
Danny: Wake Up, San Francisco! I'm Danny Tanner.
Becky: And I'm Rebecca Donaldson.
Ms. Twitchel: And I'm Gertrude Twitchel.
D.J.: Dad! Aunt Becky! What are you doing here?!
Danny: Oh sweetheart, we're doing a little cover story on your SAT's, live, up close, and personal.
D.J.: No Dad, it's just a test.
Danny: Yeah right.
Becky: So D.J., how's it going?
D.J.: Oh, it's terrible. It's a disaster!
Becky: Oof, this could be humiliating. Let's watch!
Ms. Twitchel: Time's up, everyone. Pencils down.
D.J.: TIME'S UP?! I haven't even started!
Ms. Twitchel: Stop belly-aching. It's time to grade the tests.
D.J.: Here?! Now?!
Danny: Yes. That's right. And here to help us is the queen of consonants, the vixen of vowels, the beautiful and talented... VANNA WHITE!
[And right on cue, Vanna walks in as the 1992-94 Wheel of Fortune theme plays]
Kimmy: Ms. White, this is an honor. There's something I've always wanted to ask you: Do you get paid by the letter?
Vanna: You know, when they buy a vowel, that money goes to me.
Kimmy: Even the Y?
Vanna: Sometimes.
Danny: OK Kimmy, it's time to grade that paper. [applause]
[He hands Kimmy's answer sheet to Ms. Twitchel, who puts it in the Test-O-Matic, and Vanna pushes the green button to confirm the results; it spits out "Perfect Score", with sustained dings coming from the machine]
Danny: A Perfect Score! [cheers and applause] Alright Vanna, let's see what Kimmy's future holds for her.
[The 1992-94 Wheel of Fortune theme plays as the map raises to reveal the "puzzle board"; Vanna turns the trilons in the middle row, and everyone announces each revealed letter and "solves" the puzzle]
Everyone: S! T! A! N! F! O! R! D! STANFORD! [sustained dings]
Vanna: Congratulations, Kimmy! You've won a full scholarship to Stanford University! [cheers and applause]
Kimmy: Is that ironic or what?
Becky: Now it's time to grade D.J.'s paper. I can't wait to see what she got.
D.J.: No! Really, I don't want to!
Danny: Yes, you do. Come on in, everybody! It's time to grade D.J.'s paper! [applause]
[Right on cue, the rest of the family and Steve come in]
Danny: Is everybody ready for the proudest moment of your lives?
[Everyone cheers and applauds]
D.J.: No, Dad! Stop! I can't believe this is happening! Uncle Jesse, help me!
Jesse: Oh sure, Deej. I am there for you. [he stops at the sight of Vanna] My God, Vanna White. Hi Vanna. [shakes her hand]
Vanna: Hi. [shakes his hand]
Jesse: Nice to meet you. Let me just say, I'm a huge fan of your work. In fact, your hair is the reason why I got a large screen TV.
Vanna: Thank you. If my hair has made a difference in one person's life, it's all been worth it.
Jesse: [mouths "Vanna White" to everyone] Thanks. Well, let me just say, you are a national treasure.
Vanna: Yeah, I know.
Danny: Alright Deej, now it's time for the moment you've been waiting for your entire life.
[He hands D.J.'s answer sheet to Ms. Twitchel, who puts it in the Test-O-Matic, and Vanna pushes the green button to confirm the results; it spits out D.J.'s answer sheet in shreds, with a "Bankrupt"-like sound coming from the machine]
[the smiles turn to frowns and the cheers turn to groans]
Danny: Oh, that's a shame, Deej. You got every one of 'em wrong. Heh, you're a disgrace to the entire family. Let's see what's left of your future, honey.
[Vanna turns the trilons again, and everyone announces each revealed letter and "solves" the puzzle like before]
Everyone: C! L! O! W! N! BLANK! U! BLANK! CLOWN U! ["Bankrupt"-like sound]
Vanna: Well D.J., it looks like you're going to Clown University. [everyone groans]
Joey: Hey Deej, here ya go. [he puts a red clown nose over D.J.'s nose] That's a good look for you. [he honks the nose]
Danny: Hey Comet, how'd you like to have D.J.'s room?
Comet: ["talking"] Oh boy! Thanks...Dad! [he and Joey walk off]
D.J.: Steve, you still love me, don't you?
Steve: Oh, of course I do, D.J. Oh, come on. So what if you screwed up the test? At least you spelled your name right.
Ms. Twitchel: Oh, not even close.
D.J.: What?! I wrote "D.J. Tanner".
Ms. Twitchel: Sorry, abbreviations are strictly forbidden.
Michelle: You missed your own name? [blows whistle] Stupid violation. Duh!
Alex and Nicky: Shame, shame, D.J.
Everyone: Shame, shame, D.J.
Kimmy: Well, Steven, guess who got a perfect score and their name right.
Steve: Oh, I love a girl with brains!
[Kimmy and Steve kiss each other on the lips]
D.J.: No, no! Get your hands off of him! No! No! Get your hands off of him! Get away from him. [everyone cheers and applauds Kimmy's accomplishment, as D.J. is being woken up from her nightmare by Danny] Dad, it was horrible! I… [feels her nose, and is relieved that it isn’t covered by a red clown nose] There were all kinds of changes. I had the wrong pencils. The burrito talked.
Danny: Hope this was a dream.
D.J.: It was a nightmare. Dad, you wouldn’t believe it. I-I failed my SAT, and Kimmy got a perfect score.
Danny: You’re right. I wouldn’t believe it. Come on now, honey, we really have to go.
D.J.: Dad, I can’t. I can’t face this test. [hides herself under the pillows, but comes out a little] Can you write me a note to get me out of college? [goes back under the pillows]
Danny: [takes away the pillows] D.J., sweetheart, you really have to get going. This is a very important day for you.
D.J.: But you said it was no big deal, it was just a test.
Danny: Yeah, I know I said that. I, uh, I guess I just didn’t mean it.
D.J.: Well, then why did you say it?
Danny: Because I didn’t want you to be nervous.
D.J.: But that was making me more nervous.
Danny: OK, so I guess it didn’t work, then.
D.J.: No, not really.
Danny: I’m sorry, Deej. I was just trying to protect you. I remember in high school when I took my SAT’s, I was a wreck. I did the first twelve questions with an eraser.
D.J.: So how’d you do?
Danny: Not bad once I turned my pencil around.
D.J.: So I guess I just got to face it, huh?
Danny: Honey, you’ve done everything you could do. You’re prepared. You studied really hard. Everybody believes in you. I think what you have to do now is, you know, believe in yourself, and do the best you can do.
D.J.: Thanks, Dad. [They hug]
[Later that day, everyone prepares for the test, and Mrs. Moffatt walks into the room.]
D.J.: This isn't happening.
Mrs. Moffatt: Good morning. My name is Mrs. Moffatt, and I will be administering this test. To begin, write your name on your answer sheet.
Kimmy: I'm drawing a blank.
D.J.: Excuse me? Are #2 pencils OK?
Mrs. Moffatt: I'm sorry, we're using #4's.
D.J.: What?!
Mrs. Moffatt: I'm kidding! Relax; it's just a test.
Trivia
- The sequel to this episode is "Taking the Plunge" in season eight
- The third episode where Comet "talks" (the previous: "Good News, Bad News" and "Secret Admirer", both from season four)
- The "Test-O-Matic" machine acts in a similar manner to when the Wheel is spun on Wheel of Fortune
- The "puzzle board" is three rows long instead of four on the regular show, and is much thicker in addition to being smaller in size
- When D.J.'s answer sheet is put into the "Test-O-Matic" machine, in addition to shredding the sheet, it makes a sound similar to when Bankrupt is hit on Wheel of Fortune
- The Wheel of Fortune "episode" resembles an actual episode on the TV in D.J.'s room
- The audience "whoos" once Mrs. Moffatt walks into the classroom
- Vanna White debuted on Wheel of Fortune in 1982 (succeeding Susan Stafford)
- Kimmy asks Vanna about getting "paid by the letter" and Vanna answers that when a player buys a vowel, the money goes to her (provided they have at least $250 to do so, and costing that much regardless of the quantity and/or appearance in the puzzle), and even says so when a "Y" is bought; this is not true, as on the show itself, "Y" is considered a consonant (which added to the silliness of the joke)