|Season 7, episode 3|
|Air date||September 28, 1993|
|Writer(s)||Jamie Tatham & Chuck Tatham|
During practice, Joey reminds Derek, the goalie, that he is allowed to touch the ball, as he is supposed to stop any opponent's shots. However, when Michelle tries a practice kick, she swings her foot so hard that her left shoe flies off and Derek catches it successfully.
The coming weekend, in her first game, Michelle kicks the ball the wrong way and scores the winning goal for the opposing team, not realizing she kicked the ball towards her own goalie, Derek, despite the guys all telling her to go the other way. That has her wanting to leave the team because she feels like she can no longer face her teammates (including Aaron), who chew her out about costing them a game and walk away, leaving her in tears and her head hung low; so much so, she even mentions Jesse quitting baseball when he was a kid. However, he mentioned that he hated baseball.
Joey exclaims to Jesse and Danny that if they would have let him do his job as the coach and not put so much pressure on Michelle and made her so nervous, Michelle would have felt more comfortable in the game, and might have been a little less prone to mistakes.
As this is going on, Stephanie is videotaping a day in the life of the Tanners as a project for school. The original title actually was "A Day in the Life of the Tanners", but it was eventually changed to "You Can't Use That", as that is what every one of her subjects says to her when she tapes them—or rather, tries to tape them. Among the events she videotapes are: Joey talking to the soccer team in the living room (and even trying to keep his now-exposed nostrils and nose hairs out of the video in the process, but it's too late, as the damage has already been done), D.J. wearing a necklace that has become stuck to Steve Hale's sweater (which not only unravels as she tries to chase Stephanie for the tape, but entangles the entire soccer team and Joey in the process as they do the "Kissy face" chant in front of the pair), Becky singing "Bad Boys" (the Cops theme song) to Nicky and Alex (and using a turkey juicer as a microphone; Jesse also gets into the act, and he too tries to chase Stephanie for the tape), Jesse giving his hair a pep talk, Comet accidentally knocking Stephanie down, Danny kicking a soccer ball into Kimmy Gibbler's new Insect Inferno bug zapper (and causing him to chase Stephanie for the tape as well), and Michelle scoring the goal for the opposing team.
In the kitchen later that day, the guys argue over whose fault it really is. Joey tells Danny not to "get his shorts in a knot", but they literally are. Each one of them says that it is their own fault, but Joey eventually decides that it is the combined fault of all of them. Then Michelle comes down the stairs bumping her leg on the way down, and she fakes the bump into not wanting to play soccer again.
The guys cheer up Michelle and convince her to stay with the team. Michelle is not sure that she wants to stay with the team, as she does not want to be embarrassed. Her coach reminds her that everyone gets embarrassed once in awhile. They remind her that one embarrassment should not bring her down; be it a broken leg, or scoring the goal for the wrong team, or even a lost shoe when trying to kick the ball. Joey says that, somewhere in the entire universe, one other person is more embarrassed than her—in fact, a lot more embarrassed, that being Stephanie. So much so, the surprise that she is about to show Michelle (and the rest of the family, for that matter) is, per Joey, "educational and informative".
To prove it, Stephanie brings out her "educational and informative" videotape project for her and the family to see, including the final event that Michelle felt let down by and still does when she sees it for herself. Suddenly, she perks up and remarks that at least she did not lose her shoe, and Joey tells her the best thing she can do when embarrassed is laugh at herself, which she does. Jesse suggests she just laugh along with everyone else if history repeats itself at the next game. Danny thinks the videotape would be funnier if he did not owe Kimmy $90 for the bug zapper (which was destroyed when he kicked the ball into it, which also destroyed the ball in the process). D.J. even apologizes for Steve's sweater, but Steve has no problem with it, as he says his mom has decided to use the sleeves for leg warmers. In the end, Jesse realizes that Michelle finally gets the knack, and decides to chase Stephanie for the tape again, for real, and he does so.
The next game is a rematch, and Michelle takes Joey's advice about laughing at herself when she feels embarrassed by jokingly running the wrong way for the start of the game while her teammates shout that the field is the other way. In any event, her teammates join her.
[D.J. and Steve walk downstairs with her chain stuck to his sweater.]
Michelle: How did you guys get stuck together?
Steve: Well, we were upstairs studying, and...
Aaron: Studying?! Not! They were kissing! [sing-song voice] Kissy-face! Kissy-face!
Team and Joey: [in the same style] Kissy-face! Kissy-face!
D.J.: [over the repeated chant] Will you kids stop being so immature?!
Joey: [now by himself] Kissy-face! Kissy-face...uh, there's no room for that kind of immature behavior on this team.
Stephanie: My class is going to love this.
D.J.: Your class? Steph, you can't use that!
Stephanie: I have to. It's too goofy not to share with the world.
D.J.: Steph, give me that.
[She starts chasing her former roommate, pulling thread out of Steve's sweater in the process.]
Steve: D.J.! D.J.!
Joey: I know you were embarrassed, but everybody gets embarrassed now and again.
Michelle: Not like I was today – the most embarrassed person in the whole wide universe... ever... times ten.
[As the family watches Stephanie's tape, the following was not captured by the studio cameras (see above).]
D.J.: [chasing her sister, while the soccer team is entangled and tied up in Steve's sweater] Stephanie, there is no way! Stephanie! Stephanie! Give me that tape. Come on, I'm really serious!
Steve: D.J., I'm losing sleeve here!
D.J.: I mean it! You cannot use that! Stephanie! [wagging her finger as she appears in front of the camera] Give it to me! Give it to me! Give it to me!
Danny saying "I'm not a doctor, and I don't play one on TV" is an allusion to the line "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV", from a series of 1980s Vicks Formula 44 commercials. It was said by two different actors who played doctors on soap operas. The ads were written that way because they had to use a disclaimer to say that it was an actor and not an actual doctor.
Becky's "Gladys Knight and the Pipsqueaks" remark refers to Gladys Knight and the Pips.